Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Not What I Planned......

Friday, September 30th, 2011

This adoption is not what I planned.

My name is Marissa. I'm 5'7. I'm Latina and obsessed with all things Irish and music. I'm a fighter. I'm independent, rebellious, proud, and I love to be in control.

You know it's bad when your mother writes a letter to you when you are age 2 and bemoans your stubbornness and independence and rebellion and says "I pray this doesn't get you into trouble when you are older". Such a letter may or may not exist in my baby box.

Back to the being in control.

I love it. I feel like I always know best. I always have a plan and know exactly where I am going. And that is why this adoption is making me lose my mind. Because it is out of my control. And it is NOT what I planned.

This whole adoption I had planned a certain way: I wanted Hispanic children who were very young and I wanted a boy and a girl. Kids with as little issues as possible. How hard could that be? After all, I am paying and working my tail off to do this. Of course I can pick what I want and everything will turn out fine.

Well it isn't.

God is flipping this whole thing around and showing me how selfish I really am. I was willing to adopt, but under my terms, my rules. I said young, Hispanic, boy and girl, no issues. Now we are getting older black children, possibly with serious issues (how can any child NOT have issues in these situations?).

But who else will ever love these children? They have NO ONE. How ridiculously selfish I am. This whole process is not about what I want but about what GOD wants and what our future kids NEED.

God didn't reject me because I have issues. Go didn't reject you because of your issues. Instead, He lovingly welcomed us into His arms for eternity, no strings attached. Who am I to judge and tell God that I am willing to follow Him if He does things "my way"?

So I am giving up on everything that I thought I had already surrendered on. I am giving up control (which I never had in the first place) and am ready for whatever God throws my way. Which of course, whatever happens will be fine because He is God and He is orchestrating everything. I just need to stop trying to tell Him what to do, or who my kids are.

So yeah. That's my philosophy for the day.

I'm out of control.

P.S. Still fighting like a wildcat though. Abe called me a Mama Bear. Like Carla from Scrubs though, I prefer "Lioness." (For those of you who don't know this, Abe and I LOVE Scrubs. We can recite all 8 seasons line for line haha.) ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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