*This post was written in February of 2017. Again, trying to fill you in on the crazy things that have been happening to us.*
So much has happened since I last wrote. Our story keeps taking twists and turns that I could never have imagine....leading us places we never dreamed we'd go. Sometimes we hate where it leads us; we don't know if we can get through it. But by His grace, we always do, and the other side is amazing.
Micah CLEARED. I can't even believe I am writing this. He CLEARED. After six and a half YEARS, the impossible has happened. My son is FREE. It feels surreal, and sometimes I wonder if I will wake up and be back in the same old nightmare.....where he is stuck and nothing I do helps. But it's not true. He is clear and he is waiting and I can BREATHE. I have been smothered, crushed by the weight of it all, felt it slowly crushing the life out me. But now I can finally heave a sigh of relief and thankfulness. My baby is coming HOME!!!!
I wish I could catch you up on everything that has happened. The steps of faith and the mountains that have had to be moved. But so much cannot be told. So much will forever be treasured in my heart, guarded for the sake of my children. And yet I want to scream it from the rooftops: OUR GOD REIGNS!!!!!! The trials we faced this last year were the hardest we have seen yet. The stress level on our family in so many areas was unbearable. The very foundations of everything we stood for were tested. Acts of faith that seemed ludicrous have brought blessings in abundance. The more we are trusting, the more God has shown Himself. He has a plan, and He can work everything for good. EVERYTHING. It doesn't mean it will be the way you want it; that you won't suffer. But He can make beauty from ashes.
This year God called us to something, that, like Abraham, required a sacrificial lamb. And that lamb was Micah. I begged and pleaded with God, sobbed endlessly into my soaking pillow, begging Him not to ask this of us. I knew what we had to do. I knew what we were going to do. It was never a question. But everything was so contradictory. Nothing made ANY worldly sense. And in order to follow God, I had to, for lack of a better explanation, put my son (who I was also called to) on the line. Who did I love more? God, or Micah? Who did I trust more? Was I willing to give up Micah for what God was asking. While the answer was yes, I cannot say that it happened without me screaming and sobbing and feeling like I was dying. Alone in my car, I screamed and cried. Not in anger. Not in rebellion. In confusion and hurt. But I trusted. I followed. Because everything the past six years had been leading up to this, literally, and I knew what I had to do. And while I did it, my heart burst from the pain.
But God had a funny way of being able to heal and to raise the dead. And He did. He took a situation that was final, and laughed at it. Final? He is GOD. And if He is for us, who can be against us???
No one. That's who. Singlehandedly, God erased my careful plans and built them into something different. Something beautiful. Something that included adding yet another child to our family.
I love my family so much. Like, there are no words to describe, no way to express just how much they mean to me. Sometimes I fear I love them too much; that I have made them an idol. I try not to; try to keep Him at the head of my heart. But I was also made to love my people, and I would die for them, die of love for them every single day.
Tonight, I'm sitting in a giant metal bird, gliding over the night clouds. Flying again, for one of my babies. But for this baby, things are different. It's a different fight for her, but has been no less difficult.
Today, the girl who sits next to me leans into my shoulder and clasps my hand in hers. She gives me a squeeze and a gentle smile, and then looks out the window at the colors painting the sky a brilliant scene of warm hues.
This child is a survivor. Ten months ago she re-entered my life as my daughter. She has been hurt by life in ways that most people cannot even comprehend; yet today, as we do something that should be terrifying, she and I have perfect peace. We are happy. This girl, whose smile lights up my world, whose love of learning amazes me, whose laugh fills me with joy, she sits here bravely, by choice, giving me her trust. She trusts me with her LIFE; trusts me to take care of her and keep her safe on this journey, and every other one that awaits us. She has experienced so much pain and loss; yet she has opened her heart and entrusted it to me; and then enormity of that responsibility both awes and humbles me. I don't deserve her, this child of unbelievable heart and strength, of knowledge and kindness. I have loved her from the day I met her, almost exactly three years ago, when I messaged Abe and told him I wanted her as our daughter too. I love her, I adore her, I don't deserve her. She has taught me so much, about love, and life, and parenting.
As good parents, we stress about raising our kids. At least, I do. I worry that I am doing everything wrong, not giving them enough, giving them too much, ruining their futures. I fear for what the world will throw at them, wonder who they will marry, question if I have taught them enough. How can I be better? How can I ease their way, these precious babies who have been through far too much in their short lives?
As I sit here on this plane, my beautiful princess wrapping me in a hug, I realize that everything will be okay. I don't deserve these kids, it's true. They aren't mine. They are God's. They are in HIS hands. And for whatever reason, He has blessed me with the gift of being their mom. Whatever happens, everything will be okay, because He loves them far more than I do. Maybe I don't know how to raise them. Maybe I am doing it wrong. But my job is just to do my best. To follow Him. To love them. Unconditionally. Love them and teach them about Him, and He will watch over them. They are His, and I am just blessed to be given the job of a lifetime; being their mom. And I am so so grateful.
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