In case you don't know me very well, I don't like chocolate. So instead of indulging in candy while I wait during this adoption, I drink extra coffee. Venti caramel (OMG IT'S ALMOST SEPTEMBER, PUMPKIN SPICE WILL BE BACK!!!!!!) iced latte from Starbucks anyone??? :)
This extra caffeine intake may or may not influence how patiently I wait. Whatevs.
Halfway across the world tonight, someone I have never met is going to
decide if Abe and I will be allowed to continue in the process of
waiting for a court date, or if further investigation into our case will
be required first. Since Ethiopia is about 8 hours ahead of us, this
decision will happen tonight while we sleep. Tomorrow around noon, I
should hear one of three outcomes:
#1. Further investigation into our case is required before a court date
can be issued. This would mean absolutely NO chance of a court date
before closures next week on the 22nd. Which means our first trip would
most likely be in October.
#2. No further investigation required, but no court date. This also means about a 99% chance of not going before closures.
#3. We get assigned a court date (for either now or October).
We are rooting for options #2 or #3. I'm sick as a dog as I write this.
I'm wondering (not quite at the obsessing level, but almost) what will
happen tonight and trying to pray about it, but thinking about it makes
me sick. We also got our travel vaccines this week and so my body is
currently a torment zone for Hep A, Tetanus, Typhoid, and Yellow Fever,
and a stomach bug. Fun times.
Waiting is not my thing. It never has been. I'm not good with down time.
If you know me, you know I can't sit still. I need to be DOING
something at all times. Like right now. Abe sent me home to rest and I'm
thinking, "What can I get done on my to-do list while I sit on the
couch? Oh, I can blog!" (After this, I am going to go pack donations for
I'm tired of waiting. I know that's a HUGE (the main?) part of the
adoption process, but it hasn't gotten easier. What's worse is waiting
for the unknown. Sure, God is my Heavenly Father and He has everything
in His hands, and I know that, but I am not going to lie and give you
the proper Christian answer and say I don't worry about the unknown
remainder of this adoption. I have two kids that I love more than
anything except Abe on the other side of the world and I can't get to
them. AND Levi has acute bronchitis. Heart-wrenching.
I'm tired of waiting for a court date. I'm tired of everything possible
going wrong, and of hearing, "Your case is being handled abnormally," or
"There is another delay on your case," and I'm tired of my kids waiting
and waiting and waiting for us, and yet we never show up. It's not our
fault. But it's a reality. Levi and Zahria are old enough to understand
that we haven't come and are supposed to. But they aren't able to
understand WHY we haven't come yet. All they know is that parent after
parent arrives at the Transition Home, but it is never us. They have
waited almost eight weeks and we haven't shown up. Not a very promising
set of parents, if you ask me. Forgive me babies, Mommy is trying. You have no idea how hard Mommy is trying. I WILL come for you.
My dear friend Amy got me this bracelet to wear until I see my kids, and then I am giving it to Zahria.
Callanach played an acoustic show yesterday for a church benefit and
there was a young couple there who adopted a small (A-DORABLE) boy
internationally (he didn't look to be more than a year and a half old)
and we found out they started the process around the same time we did.
January 2010-ish. They were fundraising when we were in March of 2010.
And they brought a baby home in September 2011. And here Abe and I are
in practically September 2012, and we haven't been to court yet. We will
be lucky at this point if our kids are home at Christmas. Granted, if
we had gotten a referral earlier and completed our process, something
would have been wrong, because we are supposed to be adopting Levi and
Zahria. But it still makes me wonder: "These people had way less
difficulty. Why them? Why was their process so much easier? Are they
better Christians? Am I doing something wrong? Why is this happening to
us?" But even as I ask that, I know why. Abe and I needed to grow,
spiritually, and just as people. We needed a hard time because it has
touched other people. There have been several chain reaction adoptions,
partially because of our story. We are proving that as a pair of kids we
couldn't do this on our own, but with the Almighty God, we can do
anything because He is in us and leading us. God is proving that faith
DOES move mountains and that miracles DO happen. And our job is to
follow and trust. But I still struggle. Last week I was really
struggling with the "why". Why haven't we gone? Why aren't the
kids already home? Why don't we at least have a court date? Why are
courts closing and we are no closer than before?
I have to keep reminding myself that I need to have faith like a child. I
need to trust God implicitly with the whole situation. The past couple
weeks I was hoping that if I had faith like a child that God would give
us a court date before closures, that it would happen. I totally
believed it. I was praying like crazy. I had total faith it was going to happen last week.
I was expecting it to happen, anticipating it, preparing for the call. I was positive we were getting a court date.
I felt shattered at the end of last week. Why had I even bothered trying
to have a childlike faith and to believe so stubbornly? I was angry. A little betrayed. And then I
realized I have been approaching this all wrong. I
need to have faith like a child that God is my Father, and that He
wants what is best for me, and that He has perfect timing. In THAT I
need to have total and stubborn faith. Not that He
will always give me what I want when I want it. But that He will work
everything out and it will all be for the best. Levi is proof of that.
When we found out about him last year and were told he was about 7, that
was fine. When we thought he was maybe 9, that was a big decision and
faith tester to go ahead and say yes. And then later we found out that
he was even older. But by the time that happened, age no longer
mattered. Levi is our son. He always has been. And his age has nothing
to do with it. But at the same time, if I had known last year, or even
in December that he was older than 9, we probably wouldn't have kept
going after him. And that would have been the worst mistake of our
lives. So we needed that year from hell to realize how much we wanted
this boy.........how much he means to us. So that situation alone is
enough to comfort me while my phone
remains black and silent.
God's GOT THIS.
Worrying is pointless. It doesn't help me (it actually harms me, as it
makes me MORE sick) or Abe, and it doesn't help the kids. As my girl Jamie told me, "The devil is a liar! We know whatever is happening, our God is greater." And she's totally right. So I'm not giving in, I'm not giving Satan the satisfaction, and I'm not
going to worry. I'm giving this situation, this judge's decision, our
whole adoption, back over to God for the millionth time, and I am going
to go enjoy making music with my friends. My wise Mommy told me the
other day to, "Relax, enjoy your weekend, and just REST. Everything is
going to change soon!!!!" (Did I mention I can't WAIT for that??? ;))
That being said, please PRAY for us and the kids tonight! God's in
control and it is His decision what happens, but we would still like
option #1 nixed. Doesn't hurt to ask! ;)