This extra caffeine intake may or may not influence how patiently I wait. Whatevs.
Halfway across the world tonight, someone I have never met is going to decide if Abe and I will be allowed to continue in the process of waiting for a court date, or if further investigation into our case will be required first. Since Ethiopia is about 8 hours ahead of us, this decision will happen tonight while we sleep. Tomorrow around noon, I should hear one of three outcomes:
#1. Further investigation into our case is required before a court date can be issued. This would mean absolutely NO chance of a court date before closures next week on the 22nd. Which means our first trip would most likely be in October.
#2. No further investigation required, but no court date. This also means about a 99% chance of not going before closures.
#3. We get assigned a court date (for either now or October).
We are rooting for options #2 or #3. I'm sick as a dog as I write this. I'm wondering (not quite at the obsessing level, but almost) what will happen tonight and trying to pray about it, but thinking about it makes me sick. We also got our travel vaccines this week and so my body is currently a torment zone for Hep A, Tetanus, Typhoid, and Yellow Fever, and a stomach bug. Fun times.
Waiting is not my thing. It never has been. I'm not good with down time. If you know me, you know I can't sit still. I need to be DOING something at all times. Like right now. Abe sent me home to rest and I'm thinking, "What can I get done on my to-do list while I sit on the couch? Oh, I can blog!" (After this, I am going to go pack donations for our trip.)
I'm tired of waiting. I know that's a HUGE (the main?) part of the adoption process, but it hasn't gotten easier. What's worse is waiting for the unknown. Sure, God is my Heavenly Father and He has everything in His hands, and I know that, but I am not going to lie and give you the proper Christian answer and say I don't worry about the unknown remainder of this adoption. I have two kids that I love more than anything except Abe on the other side of the world and I can't get to them. AND Levi has acute bronchitis. Heart-wrenching.
I'm tired of waiting for a court date. I'm tired of everything possible going wrong, and of hearing, "Your case is being handled abnormally," or "There is another delay on your case," and I'm tired of my kids waiting and waiting and waiting for us, and yet we never show up. It's not our fault. But it's a reality. Levi and Zahria are old enough to understand that we haven't come and are supposed to. But they aren't able to understand WHY we haven't come yet. All they know is that parent after parent arrives at the Transition Home, but it is never us. They have waited almost eight weeks and we haven't shown up. Not a very promising set of parents, if you ask me. Forgive me babies, Mommy is trying. You have no idea how hard Mommy is trying. I WILL come for you.
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My dear friend Amy got me this bracelet to wear until I see my kids, and then I am giving it to Zahria.
Callanach played an acoustic show yesterday for a church benefit and there was a young couple there who adopted a small (A-DORABLE) boy internationally (he didn't look to be more than a year and a half old) and we found out they started the process around the same time we did. January 2010-ish. They were fundraising when we were in March of 2010. And they brought a baby home in September 2011. And here Abe and I are in practically September 2012, and we haven't been to court yet. We will be lucky at this point if our kids are home at Christmas. Granted, if we had gotten a referral earlier and completed our process, something would have been wrong, because we are supposed to be adopting Levi and Zahria. But it still makes me wonder: "These people had way less difficulty. Why them? Why was their process so much easier? Are they better Christians? Am I doing something wrong? Why is this happening to us?" But even as I ask that, I know why. Abe and I needed to grow, spiritually, and just as people. We needed a hard time because it has touched other people. There have been several chain reaction adoptions, partially because of our story. We are proving that as a pair of kids we couldn't do this on our own, but with the Almighty God, we can do anything because He is in us and leading us. God is proving that faith DOES move mountains and that miracles DO happen. And our job is to follow and trust. But I still struggle. Last week I was really struggling with the "why". Why haven't we gone? Why aren't the kids already home? Why don't we at least have a court date? Why are courts closing and we are no closer than before?
I have to keep reminding myself that I need to have faith like a child. I need to trust God implicitly with the whole situation. The past couple weeks I was hoping that if I had faith like a child that God would give us a court date before closures, that it would happen. I totally believed it. I was praying like crazy. I had total faith it was going to happen last week. I was expecting it to happen, anticipating it, preparing for the call. I was positive we were getting a court date.
We didn't.
I felt shattered at the end of last week. Why had I even bothered trying to have a childlike faith and to believe so stubbornly? I was angry. A little betrayed. And then I realized I have been approaching this all wrong. I need to have faith like a child that God is my Father, and that He wants what is best for me, and that He has perfect timing. In THAT I need to have total and stubborn faith. Not that He will always give me what I want when I want it. But that He will work everything out and it will all be for the best. Levi is proof of that. When we found out about him last year and were told he was about 7, that was fine. When we thought he was maybe 9, that was a big decision and faith tester to go ahead and say yes. And then later we found out that he was even older. But by the time that happened, age no longer mattered. Levi is our son. He always has been. And his age has nothing to do with it. But at the same time, if I had known last year, or even in December that he was older than 9, we probably wouldn't have kept going after him. And that would have been the worst mistake of our lives. So we needed that year from hell to realize how much we wanted this boy.........how much he means to us. So that situation alone is enough to comfort me while my phone remains black and silent.
God's GOT THIS.
Worrying is pointless. It doesn't help me (it actually harms me, as it makes me MORE sick) or Abe, and it doesn't help the kids. As my girl Jamie told me, "The devil is a liar! We know whatever is happening, our God is greater." And she's totally right. So I'm not giving in, I'm not giving Satan the satisfaction, and I'm not going to worry. I'm giving this situation, this judge's decision, our whole adoption, back over to God for the millionth time, and I am going to go enjoy making music with my friends. My wise Mommy told me the other day to, "Relax, enjoy your weekend, and just REST. Everything is going to change soon!!!!" (Did I mention I can't WAIT for that??? ;))
That being said, please PRAY for us and the kids tonight! God's in control and it is His decision what happens, but we would still like option #1 nixed. Doesn't hurt to ask! ;)
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