Saturday, April 27, 2013

Pet Peeves

Pet peeves. We all have them. The toilet seat being left up, people chewing with their mouths open, dirty socks left on the floor, whatever.

When I started this post, I had my biggest pet peeve listed as: When people tell me what I can or can't do. I hate being bossed around and I hate people assuming they know my limits. It drives me freaking CRAZY. Just because I am doing something that you can't/won't do, does not mean it can't be done. It does not give you the right to tell me that I can't do it.

But then I realized that I have another pet peeve: When people, specifically Christians, KNOW that kids are dying all over the world, and they do nothing. "Therefore, to him who knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin." ~James 4:17.

I've spent three months off and on working on this post. I wanted to be honest without being harsh. Originally, I had a entire post written with a list of some of the most frustrating/hurtful/infuriating things people have said to me over the years. Lots of: "You can't _________" or "You will always __________." And I was happy to look back and see each hurtful thing proven wrong; proud to say I overcame. But it sounded like bragging. And then I realized that I wasn't accomplishing the goal of my post, which is to tell you that the impossible CAN be possible. With God. So I rewrote everything. And I'm not going to list all the cruel naysayer words. I AM going to list and talk about one of them though. The one that frustrated me to no end over the past three years.

You can't adopt.

People had all kinds of reasons why we couldn't adopt. Why it would never work:

-You're too young.
-You don't have enough money.
-You haven't been married long enough.
-You have too much debt.
-You have to finish college first.
-You need to have biological kids first. 
-You have to have a house first.
-You can't adopt two kids at the same time.
-You can't adopt from Africa.
-Your kids will have AIDS.  
-You can't adopt older kids; you won't be able to parent them.
-Your kids will have serious behavioral/mental problems and emotional issues.
-Your kids will hate you. They will rebel and run away and make your life a living hell (insert adoption horror story).
-Those kids won't really be YOUR kids.

These are all things people have said to my face. Family. Friends. Professors. Strangers.

Every single thing on that list hurt. It hurt to hear it, especially because they were all bluntly worded as above. It hurt to wonder it if was the truth. It hurt to hear it from people who "care". From people I care about. Regardless of the fact that the list is a bunch of crap, it HURT.

So before I go any farther, I am now going to refute that list. Naysayers, listen up.

You can't adopt. Well, we did. And we will again.

You're too young. We always knew we were going to adopt deaf kids internationally but we assumed we would do it when we were 30+. Not start the process at 21 and 24. But it wasn't a choice; it was a calling. And we had the opportunity to step out in faith and watch God work. It was LONG. It was PAINFUL. It was HARD. And it was WORTH IT. 

You don't have enough money. Never was a truer statement made. But God doesn't call you to do things fully prepared. He provides along the way. This leads to greater faith/trust as well as proof that all the glory goes to Him, because we COULDN'T afford it. And yet we paid off our adoption, $60,000, in cash. A miracle, people. One of many.

You haven't been married long enough. It's about (or should be about) the couple themselves, and their maturity and relationship, not the length of time since they've exchanged rings. Relationship and personal maturity varies for everyone. We started the adoption process about six months into our marriage. It sounds crazy. It WAS crazy. That's how Abe and I roll. We do everything backwards. The traditional "normal" thing is school, marriage, house, kids. We did marriage, school, kids, house.Whatever. Worked out great for us. :)

You have too much debt (school loans). Also true. We went to a great school, and got great jobs, but it cost us. We have a lot of school loans. God has taken care of us and we have never missed a payment. Budget. Be wise with your money. Word hard. End of story.

You have to finish college first. Probably smart in most cases; in ours, that didn't happen and it worked out fine. Abe graduated with a high GPA and that was that.

You need to have biological kids first. My question is: why? I never did see any sense in this one. Someone dear to me said, "Well, your own kids can help you with the adopted ones." Orrrrrrrrrr my adopted kids could help me with my bio kids. Or with my other adopted kids. Why bios first? And if you're dead set on wanting a baby first (nothing wrong with that), you CAN adopt one, it just takes forever. Sorry, that's the truth. And honestly, adopted kids often come from very hard places and a plus to having them first is that you can dedicate all your time and energy to helping them adjust and reconnect. Adopted or bio, they are YOUR kids; what does it matter who came first? Oh yeah, it doesn't.

You have to have a house first. Again, WHY? An adequate apartment is just fine too. And most people have moved at least once in their lives. So having an apartment and moving to a house (or wherever) later will not destroy your child. Do I think it is better NOT to move, at least for a while? Sure. But it's not the end of the world. And as far as an apartment goes, many adopted children are coming from a place where an apartment is considered a palace beyond imagination. And if you're worried about the stress of buying a house after the adoption, please don't. Anyone who has been through the adoption process will consider buying a house CAKE. In fact, Abe and I laughed at the paperwork and said, "Is this it?" Purchasing our house was the easiest thing we did last year.

You can't adopt two kids at the same time. The more the merrier, right? There are pros and cons to having two at the same time. Here's a couple of each. Pros: they play together, have someone who can relate with their adoption experiences, and really, what's one more? Cons: both will require 100% of your attention and balancing that can be tough. And maybe they don't get along the greatest. But how is that so much different than biological kids?

You can't adopt from Africa. Let me interpret this for you. You can't adopt from Africa because your kids will be black and everyone will know that they were not nurtured in your womb. Sooooooooooooo you're racist. Or ashamed of someone's skin color. Or an idiot. Or all three.

Your kids might/will have HIV/AIDS. Clearly you know nothing about HIV/AIDS. Are meds needed? Yes. Will insurance take care of a lot of it? Yes. Can those kids have a normal life? Yes. Can you catch HIV/AIDS? No. There is not ONE documented case of another person becoming infected through regular contact/life. It is transmitted through blood, dirty needles, and sex. Again, not ONE documented case. I can't tell you how many HIV kids I hugged and kissed and played with in Ethiopia. And I CAN tell you that Abe and I were open to HIV for our first adoption and will always be. For more information on HIV/AIDs, please visit Project Hopeful.

You can't adopt older kids. Older kids need a home and love just as much as babies do, and they are just as precious. Are older kids typically more challenging and come with more issues/rotten backgrounds? I think yes. But that doesn't make them any less in need of love. And I know plenty of friends who have adopted babies who are having a harder time attaching/bonding/adjusting than many older kids.

You won't know how to parent them. Again, very true. But I am guessing unless you are Dr. Karen Purvis, you wouldn't either. Nothing with parenting adopted kids is normal. Nothing with parenting kids from unimaginably hard places is normal. All the usual rules are tossed out the window. Nothing I learned or observed growing up as the oldest of seven could have ever prepared me for raising my kids now. I spend a LOT of time praying for my kids and myself. Because only God can heal and change their hearts. And I just need the patience to hang on and keep loving them unconditionally. I have no CLUE what I am doing. But I am super proud of my kids and how far they have come!!!!!

Your kids will have serious problems and emotional issues. That is highly probable with any adopted child. It doesn't mean that they should be left in an orphanage, starving/dying on the streets or sold into prostitution. And if you or I had been through what they have been through, I'm sure we would have serious behavior and emotional issues as well.

Your kids will hate you. They will rebel and run away and make your life a living hell. My kids love me and there are no words for how much I love them. I have an entire drawer of notes and pictures that say, "Mommy, love you much so, forever!!!" Have they rebelled? Of course! What kid hasn't? Have they run away? Nope. Is my life a living hell? Absolutely not. Is it exhausting, and do they sometimes make me crazy? Yeah. And that's totally normal. And they also bring me the greatest joy. They fill my life with light and wonder and laughter. They are my best friends. I read a quote somewhere that said, "Adoption has the highest highs and the lowest lows." I think that pretty much says it all.

Those kids won't really be YOUR kids. See, I don't get this one either. Isn't your spouse your closest family? No one would ever doubt that. But you "adopted" each other. You became family, the closest bond, the strongest tie.....without blood or genetics. So adopted children aren't my kids because I didn't physically carry them for nine months? Because they didn't grow in my stomach? Because they aren't from the same gene pool as me and my husband? (My kids are the luckier for that, trust me.) Or because I haven't had them since day one? I completely disagree. I fought unbelievably hard for THREE YEARS to get my kids home. Every day, for three years. I WANTED these kids more than anything. I loved and love them more than anything. They grew in my heart. (Z actually asked me the other day, "Mommy, will you have more heart-babies soon?"  #loveit) I gave them everything I had and I still do. 100% of my time is dedicated to making them feel loved and safe. I love them so much it hurts. These are MY kids. MINE. And no gene pool could ever bring us closer.

I think the most eye-opening thing I learned from our adoption journey was that Christians, even people I have always thought were strong Christians, are afraid. Afraid to step up to the plate. I'm not talking about selling all their possesions and moving to a foreign country to become a missionary. I am talking about doing something right now, WHERE THEY ARE. Even something totally do-able, like sponsoring a child in need. That is the SMALLEST thing you can do! Christians are afraid to step out in faith, they are afraid to go against the grain, they are afraid to get out of their comfort zone. (I include myself in this group....I would rather live in my happy bubble and be comfortable. And most of the time, that's [sadly] what I choose.) During the adoption process, most of the people who tried to discourage us, were Christians. When people demanded a reason for the insanity of us trying to adopt, and we would explain that God had called us to do it, people scoffed at us. They rolled their eyes. They gave us a look that said, "Clearly you heard wrong, or you're just making up this 'calling'." I can't tell you how many of these people were family and friends. But also strangers and random people. They all tried to warn us against what we are doing and told us adoption horror stories. The Bible clearly tells us to protect and take care of the fatherless and yet more than half of the people we spoke with tried to talk us out of adopting. Don't get me wrong, we had TONS of supporters and people cheering us on. In fact, the support we did recieve was overwhelming and amazing. We couldn't have done it without you. We had people donating and encouraging us left and right. However, the amount of close friends, family and strangers who DIScouraged and doubted us was staggering. And saddening.

Now that the kids are home safe, and things are going fairly well, everyone is happy with us and our decision. Everyone is on board now that this specific adoption is over and was successful. And I'm sure when we go back and adopt again, the naysayers will be much more open and supportivee because we have already blazed that trail. We've proved God can do miracles if you follow Him. But if you're reading this and you were a doubter, please think twice before you discourage someone else who is following a calling in their life, however bizarre it may seem. And to ALL people reading this, please go out and sponsor a child. PLEASE. And in case you're wondering if I am preaching but doing nothing, Abe and I are partnered in sponsoring a family in Ethiopia. I get that not everyone can adopt. But sponsoring a child is such a small act on your part and such a HUGE thing for them. It doesn't take more than ten minutes of your time and you won't even notice the money if you get an automatic withdrawal. It's seriously a coffee a day. You are helping save a life. That's an eternal impact, friends.

World Vision

Hope Chest


  1. This is so good Marissa!! We are in the process of adopting from Haiti. This child will be our fourth child as we have 3 bio kids. What bothered me the most was when someone told you to have bio kids first so they can help with the adopted ones?!?! Unbelievable! My husband and I did NOT have bio kids first so they can be partners in parenting the adopted one. SHEESH!!! They are waiting for their new sibling just like they waited for each other. Their roles will be big sisters and big brother. It was God that decided how He was going to grow our family. And after this adoption is final, we too, will do it again. Thanks for sharing!

    Oh and great point you made with marriage being a picture of adoption. God had given you great insight. I love reading about your precious family and how God is continuing to work in your lives.

    Brenda (from FB) :)

  2. Hey Brenda!!!! Yes, exactly. Or even if that comment about having bio kids first isn't even logical. Whatever haha! :)

    I can't wait to see pictures of your new kiddo someday (hopefully soon!!! :)) on Facebook!!!! Praying for you guys!!!! HUGS!! :)