I miss the kids so bad that I can't even explain it. Everything feels wrong and pointless right now. I just want them HOME. My self therapy consists of constantly trying to count in Amharic, or memorizing little phrases for Z. And I walk into Levi's room all the time and just stand there and cry. Work also anesthetizes the pain. Getting up at 3am and home at 10:30pm pretty much leaves you too tired to think and while I hate my work schedule, it's been a godsend. I don't have time to obsess over the kids. Literally. Four weeks ago yesterday we got on a plane to meet our kids. Four weeks ago today we saw their precious faces. Only four weeks, but it feels like a lifetime has already passed. It feels like a dream; like it never actually happened. And yet, I have one ring fingernail with splotchy layered orange nail polish to prove to me that it DID happen (I refuse to paint my nails again until ALL her nail polish has worn off). I have pictures that they drew for me on my fridge, and a homework assignment from Levi with a perfect score (he was SO proud). I have videos that I obsessively watch instead of working on my to-do list, because nothing matters except hearing Z's giggles and seeing Levi's precious smile. I have a chunky Ethiopian handmade ring that I bought as a reminder of my promise to their birth mom, which helps me feel close to her--as if she can know I will keep my promise, every time I look at it.
Every time I hear or see a plane, I get frustrated. I want to be on a plane, flying out of here, headed for my babies. Me, who HATES (despises/loathes) flying. I WANT to be on a plane.
I am here and I am functioning, but I am a shell. My heart is halfway across the world with two precious brown-eyed angels.
P.S. We received an update from our agency. We asked if the kids knew we loved them and are doing our best to get back ot them and this is what they said: "Yes, she (Zahria) is well informed and she loves you and can’t wait to meet you again. He (Levi) knows very well!!! He loves you and misses you a lot. He has been asking 'When will you come?' and can’t wait to meet you again and start living with you." They also said (regarding Levi): "He loves all the CD's you sent and wants to thank you very much. He has been watching the CD's repeatedly and has improved his language skills." #bestillmyheart