Day 7

So the first thing I did today was to change my flights. I'm not coming back until Sunday now. I cannot leave without this paper, and if I am not here, who will fight? I also can't bear the thought of leaving Micah again; it literally feels like I will die when I think about it. The terrible pain squeezes my heart like an iron fist and tears come uninvited and wash my sunburned face with salt, a torturous but unstoppable torrent. 

Things are moving here, but ever so slowly. Being a Type A, it's hard to wait, but sometimes I have to. There is a different culture here, and while I will push and fight, I will also be respectful. At the same time, I am enjoying the relaxed aspect of life. There is no hurry in the day-to-day life, and I love just LIVING. 

This morning I went to see a little boy at my former agency's transition home. I will call him "Tommy". He is about ten now (he has been there all six of my trips), and so beautiful. He has the biggest, darkest eyes I've ever seen, framed with thick, black lashes that would put a peacocks's plumes to shame. Sometimes his beautiful, vacant eyes will focus on me, and he will stare at me intently, but most of the time he is in another world, staring off into space. He is severely autistic and does not really speak, but he can understand and follow basic Amharic commands. Most of the day he just wanders the courtyard, holding a small object (keys, a paper, a rock) and singing to himself. I don't know if he's actually singing words or if they are just sounds. 

I've always loved him, and I visit him every trip. He knows me. The nannies bring him to me and tell him my name. I kneel down and he will come up and grab my face with his little hands. Then carefully, but not gently, he will feel my face. Over and over he touches my face, checking my features. I know when he recognizes me because he squeezes me as tightly as he can (which now is very tight! :)) and kisses my cheek. Then he climbs into my lap and starts singing to me. 

I fight back tears and pull him close. And then I sing with him. He LOVES music, and I change the lyrics to fit us. The same song, every time, to help him remember.

I've been telling my dreams to the scarecrow

About the places that I'd like to see

I say Tommy do you think I'll ever get there

Oh but he just stands there smiling back at me

So I confess my sins to the preacher

About the love I've been praying to find

Is there a brown-eyed boy in my future

But he says girl you've got nothing but time

But how do you wait for heaven

And who has that much time

And how do you keep your feet on the ground

When you know, you were born to fly

Fly fly fly

I sing it maybe 60 times in a row. He hums and babbles with me. Then I pull out my phone and we sing to some Amharic music. 

When it's time for me to leave, he fights the nannies and lifts his arms, begging to be held. Even though he is almost to my chin, I pick him up. He squeals excitedly and wraps his legs around my waist, refusing to let go. I sign our song again and dance around with him. 

When I put him down, I give him his picture (one of the two of us, me holding him) and an album of my family. I kiss him and tell him I love him. I promise to visit him again. Do I want him? Yes. Can I start his paperwork right now? No. Will I forget him? Never. I will always come for him. 

Later, I got to go see Micah. Micah is so precious. I don't have words to describe this child, but my heart stops when he comes into the room. I watch his eyes light up and his face breaks into a big smile. At the beginning of the week, it was a shy smile, but now it's a huge grin, stretched across his beautiful face. 

We drew pictures and played Subway Surf today. He wrote me a message:

Micah 

Abas

I. Love. You          

Thank. You 

How. are. You 

I fought back tears and wrote him one:

You are MINE!!!! 

I love you!!!!

Micah is smart!!!!

Micah is handsome!

You are special!!!!!

Then I explained it to him and he look at me, eyes shining. I signed, "Micah, I love you with ALL my heart!!!" and he nodded, and then slid over on the seat and put his elbows on my leg, leaning on me like a little kid who wants to be near his mom. I didn't think I could fall more in love with him, but I did. 

The paperwork didn't get done yesterday; an important person to the case was sick and so they didn't go to the office. 

HOWEVER, I did get something else really important done. So that's great. :)

I also wrote a letter today, to the government, listing all the reasons why Micah should be mine. An important person here told me I was "very convincing", and to write a letter. Hopefully I will be able to take it and go present my case in a day or two. 

Today when I was with Micah, I asked him about the first time we met, in 2012. I've always wondered if he remembered me from all the way back then, or only from recent trips. I wasn't sure if he would remember me because during that trip, that first meeting, this is what happened.....

"......he came out, disheveled and clearly terrified and not understanding why he had to come outside. He was tall, thin as a tail, with dirty teeth and he was crying. He wouldn't look at anyone; he just stood in a corner of the wall and cried.  

I fell completely in love with him. 

We never completed our tour; we spent the next hour trying to play with him. Trying to coax out a smile, trying to get his pain-filled eyes to light up for even a second. He finally started making eye contact with us and by the end we were throwing a small ball. He cracked a few grimaces that looked like something only a person who has forgotten how to smile can possibly make. Then finally, we caught a few smiles, so infinitesimal that if you blinked, you would only see his empty face, tears still slipping down his dirty cheeks."

When I asked him about that day--if he remembered--he looked right at me. "I remember you," he signed. "I remember the day I was crying and scared and I met you."

Thank you Jesus. 

Tonight I went to my friend's house for dinner. It is so awesome to have people who are amazing friends here.....I feel like I belong and I love being invited over for dinner. The food was delicious and I got to meet their newest baby! He is PRECIOUS!!!!!! I think I kissed his chubby cheeks a thousand times. And it was so awesome just to talk and laugh with them. They are AMAZING people, some of the best I have ever met, and I love them. 

Pray for us. Please God, set my child free. 

Day 6

On Day 5 I had no internet.

Day 6 

I spent the whole day with Micah. As soon as I got there, we took a soccer ball and one of the older boys and just played out in the sunshine. 

Micah is good, and he loves to be the goalie. Being deaf makes you more visually aware of things, and he is a fantastic keeper. The day I see him and Levi on the same team at home, I will probably die. :) The two most beautiful and talented boys on the field will be MINE. 

Last summer I wrote about visiting Micah, and I mentioned two other special needs children (http://helpabeandmarissaadopt.blogspot.com/2014/06/bet-you-never-saw-this-coming.html?m=1). In my original post, I didn't talk much about them. It was too hard to write about what I saw. But yesterday, I saw them. One is a little boy whose body is deformed and twisted. He can speak a little Amharic but it is very difficult for him, and his voice is garbled. Last year, he was lying on a pallet in a dark room. When he saw me he started babbling and began rolling across the floor to get to me. I burst into tears and scooped him up in my arms. I've thought about him ever since. 

Yesterday, I saw him. He was tied into a wheelchair (he cannot sit by himself) and he was alone. Micah and I grabbed him and wheeled him outside so he could watch us play soccer. Then we took turns pushing him and hitting the soccer ball with his wheelchair so that he could play. This little boy has the most amazing attitude and the greatest smile. He laughed and yelled the whole time. He saw me kiss Micah's head and he made a lonely sound so I kissed the air near his cheek. He screamed "Yes yes YESSSSS!!!" and tried to pump his fist in the air. I laughed with him......he's a regular boy, just wanting a girl to kiss him hahaha!!!

Between Saturday and Sunday, Micah learned FIFTY-TWO new signs!!! He reads me a book now and uses all the signs. I am so proud of him!!!! He's been laughing a lot too, which is the best sound ever! 

The nannies and staff there have been amazing to me. They are SO kind and they always tell me how happy they are that I am Micah's mother. 

Natalie may be my twin, but I swear Micah is Abe's. He is so gentle, careful, thorough, and orderly. He is quiet, kind, and loving. He likes doing everything in order and knowing each part of whatever he is doing. I brought him Legos and he built a plane following the directions. He LOVED it. I think he will be a technician, an engineer, or an artist. (His drawing is fantastic.) I taught him to make a paper crane yesterday and he thought it was the coolest thing. 

While we sit and play and draw, the other kids crowd around too. The big boys sit near me and quiz me on my Amharic and the littles fight over my lap. I love them all. They laugh at me when I try to make a certain Amharic letter sound, like Ka, Ku, Ki, Ka, Kk, Kih, Ko. Or anything with "tse". My new comeback to that is to have them try and say, "She sells seashells by the sea shore." It usually ends up with "She sells she sells she shores!!!!" and all of us in a heap on the ground from laughing so hard. 

I have the Amharic word for "brave" or "warrior" drawn on my wrist (I want to get it tattooed but of course I am dealing with my allergies and have had huge allergic reactions and rashes since arriving in ET). I've been drawing it on almost every day for a year because I love it. Everyone here is crazy about it, and it's become my new name. No one calls me Marissa now. Just "Jegna". I love it. :) 

My driver is teaching me tons of Amharic and it's amazing. I can now order food at a restaurant and have basic convos completely in Amharic. Nothing makes me happier than being able to communicate for myself, and to understand what's happening around me. I think I know maybe 200 words and thirty phrases? It's so fun!!!!

I am also Jamberry-ing everyone in sight. :) I had an errand to run and a girl at the desk called a friend and woke her up to come take me. The girl came right over and then we ran the errand (which took almost 3 hours total) and came back, and she was so sweet about it! She gave up half her day for me, a complete stranger, without a second thought. So I invited her over to get a Jamicure. So she made me dinner. Fir fir and tabu (injera, berbere, and more injera hahaha and loaf bread)! Hahahah I love her. :) And now she's sporting some awesome nails. :)

Waiting on paperwork. The weekend means that's on hold for now. Thank you for your prayers!!!!

Born For This

Feels like I've been holding my breath, trying to still my restless heart

Everything hangs on my next step, finding my nerve, playing my part

I found shelter underneath His crown, found favor inside His eyes

Rock this boat, and I just might drown, honesty seems to come with a price

There's a time to hold your tongue, time to keep your head down

There's a time but it's not now

Sometimes you gotta go, uninvited

Sometimes you gotta speak when you don't have the floor

Sometimes you gotta move, when everybody else says you should stay

No way, no, not today

You gotta ask, if you want an answer

Sometimes you gotta stand apart from the crowd

Long before your heart could run the risk

You were born for this

You were born for this

I'm leaning on the ones before me, my father's father's dreams

I'm standing on the top of their shoulders calling the One delivering me

There's a time to hold your tongue, time to keep your head down

There's a time but it's not now

Sometimes you gotta go, uninvited

Sometimes you gotta speak when you don't have the floor

Sometimes you gotta move, when everybody else says you should stay

No way, no, not today

You gotta ask, if you want an answer

Sometimes you gotta stand apart from the crowd

Long before your heart could run the risk

You were born for this

You were born for this

One step, one move.

Born to trust You.

Made to lay my

Life before You

Sometimes you gotta go, uninvited

Sometimes you gotta speak when you don't have the floor

Sometimes you gotta move, when everybody else says you should stay

No way, no, not today

You gotta ask, if you want an answer

Sometimes you gotta stand apart from the crowd

Long before your heart could run the risk

You were born for this

You were born for this

You were born for this

You were born for this

You were born for this

Day 4

Today I was able to schedule an important meeting, but not until the later afternoon. So I spent the day getting to know other people at the guesthouse, and Jamberry-ing everyone in sight. I also went rooftop tanning again, which is my new favorite hobby. I don't ever want to leave that roof. 

I can't discuss the meeting, but I am hopeful that good things will come of if. Because of the meeting, I was late to go see Micah. When I got to the orphanage, I was told he had been sitting for over an hour at the gate, anxiously looking for me. They said that the gate had opened once, and he had been expecting me, and when it was not me, he paced at the gate for the next hour. When my car finally pulled up, I jumped out and RAN to the giant gate. I beat on the metal with my fist and the kind guard let me in. Micah was lying on a bench, bent over backwards (just like Z.....he's apparently my male gymnast), blowing on a little party favor horn. I ran up and started tickling him and saw who I was and started laughing and stood up and hugged me. And I squeezed him to death and danced in a circle, because I was insane happy to see to see his beautiful face. 

We went into the school room again and I told him 50,000x that I loved him. He was grinning ear to ear and he nodded, showing me he really understood. He hadn't been worried that I hadn't shown. He was wondering where I was, but he knew I would come, because I had said I would. Guys, his trust made my heart SOAR. 

I took out a workbook/coloring book (How to Train Your Dragon) and he got all excited, telling me he had seen it before. I was like, "Really???" because it seems like such a new movie to be there. The workbook had an exercise where you had to match six dragons with their riders and he smirked at me (SMIRKED!!!!) and matched all of them correctly in about five seconds. And he gave me the ghetto attitude finger and kiss face, which is something I do to him, and I grabbed him and tickled him. 

We did tic-tac-toe, word searches (he found all the words in barely any time!!! Gronckle, Nadder, Night Fury...) matching games, find the object that is different, and mazes. I cannot believe how intelligent this child is: he could do every page in one minutes. He was going faster than even I could. I started recording him just so I could show Abe and the kids because I can't even believe what he was doing. 

We took more selfies on my phone and he asked for Subway Surfer. He wanted me to play, but the first time I died after five seconds in the game and the second time like 30 seconds. 

Because I had gotten there so late, I barely got an hour with Micah. But when I left, he was a confident baby, waving and no stress in his face. It thrilled me. My baby knew I was coming back and he didn't even have to ask. Just hugged me goodbye and said there all calm and with total peace. It was incredible. 

I found out an hour or so later that a super important paper had FINALLY been started in a different city. A permission had been gotten (should be two more to go!) and it sent me over the moon. Because things are starting to happen. And if I hadn't come, nothing would be in progress. I am so thankful and grateful that there was movement today and I pray this weekend or Monday brings the best news. I also got told that there is a possibility that an important person to the case might bring me to the higher levels of government so that I can start acting like a lawyer and convince them to let me have Micah by listing out all the reasons he should be mine. I am praying that they take me to the government. 

I'm so tired I'm falling asleep writing this, so ciao. Day Nada Roo/Ri (good night).

Day 3

I don't even know where to begin. It was seriously the best day of combined events ever. No, we got nothing done on Micah's case. THAT would be the most incredible day! But today was still super awesome. In the morning, I went and visited some of my other kids' birth family relatives. It was so amazing. I love visiting with them and there were more hugs and kisses than I could ever count. We spent hours looking at pictures, watching videos of the kids, and talking. I didn't have an English interpreter (I don't think whole week) so when I didn't understand something (70% of the time ;)), he would break it down into Amharic that he knows I understand and then I could respond with my own broken Amharic. It was tons of fun. :)

Something else happened after the visit, but I have to make sure Abe is cool with me telling about it. Let's just say I did one of the most fun things I have ever done in my life and it was a little scary but totally amazing. I was on an excitement high the whole day. :)

After that I went to Kaldi's for buna (coffee). I had a caramel macchiato which was especially delicious since I have been drinking all my coffee in the traditional Ethiopian style: black and thick. :) Anyway, the macchiato was amazing. 

I went to Micah after that and he ran right to me and hugged me. Then he showed me the notebook I had given him--it was FULL of drawings. GOOD drawings. This child has artistic talent! We went back out to the courtyard and all the little kids were jumping all over me and I had gotten there late, so we didn't have a private area to hang out. I sat on the cement and pulled out an ABC picture book that I had brought for Micah. I started reading it in Amharic and signing the pictures. Sometimes I didn't know the Amharic word so I would just say the color. Micah copy-signed everything I showed him and then I made him read the book back to me. The nannies were all crowded around too, laughing and slapping me on the shoulders, because they were so proud of my Amharic. 

The little kids kept fighting to sit in my lap and I tried to snuggle them all.....and big kids crowded around me, standing as close as they could, breathing over my shoulder as they tried to see the pictures in the book. Then we watched every. single. video. in my phone. Twice. 

Three of the nannies remembered me and came and kept kissing me and telling me they were so happy that I was Micah's family. And another woman came up and told me that she is the one who brings Micah to school. And then she showed me that they have a home sign system to communicate. I was so happy to see her trying to talk to him. She kissed me and then led me into a school room where she told me that Micah and I could stay and play alone, without all the little kids. (The little kids were fighting and grabbing all Micah's stuff and trying to get me to pay attention to them and I really wanted to just be with Micah.) 

Micah immediately started playing games on my phone. We started with Temple Run (which thanks to Levi and Z, I am good at) and then we moved on to Angry Birds. He played a ton of Subway Surf, and he is GOOD at it. Then we took a bunch of selfies and videos. He opened his care package, and started signing to me what was inside!!! He didn't know all the signs so he described some. I totally freaked out and showed him the signs for everything and then he went through the bag again and told me what the items were. He got them all right. I was grinning like an idiot and he started to, too. 

We took more selfies and I started sticking my tongue out. He looked at me, grinned, and signed, MOM SILLY (which is something I have signed to him every day). So not only did he use the right signs at the right time, he GETS what they mean!!!!! 

I showed him the video of Levi doing an Ethiopian shoulder dance and asked if he could dance. He got up shyly, and then he danced for me!!!! WHO IS THIS CHILD?!?!?! The vacant, terrified little boy I knew is gone.....and had been replaced by a bright eyed, eager, brave sweetheart. 

We went outside again and he showed me his chin-ups and push-ups......and then he started doing handstands and walking on his hands!!!!! Z is going to have a run for her money. :)

Two of his friends came back from their school and Micah took my phone and ran over to show them videos. We watched them for the rest of the time. His friends were watching the videos intently, and asking me questions and I'd try to explain (all Amharic). I was so glad to know Micah HAS friends there.....and I am glad to know who they are. I had thought one of them was a staff worker before because he is SO big (maybe 16 or 17 but looks 20) and has tattoos all over his arms. He looks very tough. The other boy is as tall as me and also older. They seem to like Micah and he was excited to show them the pictures and videos. 

When my driver came to pick me up, Micah hugged me. I told him I would be back tomorrow and he followed me to the gate. We signed ILY and I climbed into the car. And then the big man-child with the tattoos burst through the gate and ran up to the car door. He started speaking to us rapidly and asking something but I couldn't understand him. My driver shook his head, shrugged his shoulders in sympathy and helplessness and then started the car. The tattooed young man hung his head and walked away slowly, back into the iron gate, which clanged shut and locked behind him. 

"What did he say???" I asked in Amharic. My driver looked at me with pity in his eyes and replied in English:

"He beg and say, 'I want family.'"

Day 2

It's hard to blog when I can't write about what I'm doing here. :) Let's just say it's the usual Marissa stuff.....a little renegade mixed with a lot of rebel, a dash of danger, and all baked for 11 days in the Ethiopian sun. 

Today was been slow. No word from the person I need some info from. Some other plans fell through. So I did a bit of roofing again (aka, climbed a roof to tan *cough....burn....cough*). It's my new life advice. Feeling sad? Climb a roof. Need to think? Climb a roof. It's therapy, people. A roof makes you feel free. Daring. And you get a great tan. Plus then people are like, "You did WHAT?!?!" I did it in Tennessee at a super strict Bible camp in my sleepwear and now I'm doing it in Ethiopia. #itssoamazing #therapy #dontforgettowavetotheconstructionworkers 

Finally it was time to see Micah.

Today was a day of firsts with him. A day I'll never forget. One of the best days of my life.

I was in the van five seconds after it pulled up to the guesthouse. When we got to the orphanage, my driver dropped me off and I hurried inside the gate and started searching for Micah. The instant I saw him, he broke into a grin. And ran to me. And HUGGED me. Briefly, but he HUGGED me. My heart burst. 

We went to the office where we are required to be supervised. The person glanced at me and said, "It's my time to leave.....I will have a nanny lock up after you." And then they left. 

I took out some paper and crayons. Micah took out a black crayon and drew a cat. Then he wrote C-A-T next to it. I FREAKED out and clapped and grinned like he had completed the biggest feat ever. Which he has. He had a WORD, a picture, and a SIGN. That was the only word he wrote, but it was huge. 

I pointed to the crayons and signed ME-LOVEEEEEEEEE, and then picked up the blue crayon. He smiled. I asked him YOU-LOVEEEE???? and without missing a beat, he signed RED. No mime. No gesture. He understood and SIGNED back to me. So he must be learning a few things at the deaf school. 

We played a card matching game which he loved, and he was good at it! His memory is great. And he would sign the picture every few cards. He is only using single signs, and no facials, but he is SIGNING. They told me yesterday that he is slow and will not learn sign quickly or maybe ever, and that he needs a lot of time and patience. Which may be partially true. But this child is SO. SMART.  He is going to be fine. He is going to be fantastic. Correction: he IS fantastic. :)

We took pictures together and for the first time, he made silly faces with me. Kiss faces. Crazy faces. And he would giggle....a soft little breath; a whisper of laughter, that makes me wish I could record it.....because I don't think an angel's song could be sweeter. 

Someone has taught that boy to play Subway Surfer (Levi, Z, and Nat will be so proud) because he went to town on that and did amazing. I already knew he likes Fruit Ninja, and he also likes Angry Birds. 

When I told him it was time to go, he got up confidently and walked out next to me, instead of in front or behind me. We went outside, and he showed me his room again. I asked him where the kitten was (there is a tiny, malnourished kitten in his room and a miniature saucer of milk on the ground next to his bed) and he gestured that it was hiding. Guys, seriously??? He is responding to QUESTIONS. He child who would not say one word to me ever, except when he was fed the sign. 

A bunch of little kids came up and started vying for my attention. They were running around and doing little push-ups. I asked Micah if he could do any, and he dropped to the ground and did 12 in a row with perfect form! He is the PERFECT brother for Levi. Then he jumped up in the doorway and did five chin-ups! I applauded him and his eyes were lit up and he jumped up and did five more chin-ups. 

My driver motioned that we had to leave. I turned to Micah and before I could sign my standard explanation, he asked, TOMORROW? I hesitated (because I have important plans and I thought they conflicted with our visiting time). His face withdrew and he looked confused. I clarified with my driver, rearrange my plans, and told him, TOMORROW, YES! He hesitated like he wanted to believe me but didn't. I said, TOMORROW, YES, and then made a gesture for putting my heart in his. 

And then he did the most amazing thing. He reached up and wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed tight. And didn't let go. I picked him up off the ground like a baby and held him. Guys, this was the most incredible feat ever. He LOVES me. And he is SHOWING me. He has never done anything like this. The closest thing he has ever done was cry once. But he has never initiated touch, or hugs, or any proof that he loves me. And when I put him down and told him I loved him, he signed it back. And then followed me to the gate. I went outside and he stood there, waving like a maniac. I climbed in the car and he started signing, ILY ILY ILY!!!! Even my driver choked up a little and said, "Micah, HAPPY. You mother. He know. He love. He very happy." 

I half climbed out the window and we waved ILY at each other until we were out of sight. 

Unbelievable. Unforgettable. Incomparable. If nothing else comes of this trip, this breakthrough, this connection where he realizes I love him and will never leave him......this was worth the thousands of dollars it took to come here. This was worth anything and everything. 

I got back to the guesthouse at 7:30pm. And immediately jumped into another car and drive to see the beautiful and amazing Tiffany Darling (www.amomentcherished.blogspot.com) and her family. I had a blast finally meeting them and they were so kind. And hysterical. She is a soul sister to me.....we both have teenage boys that we are raising from Ethiopia and she can relate to me in a way no one else can. We shared buna (coffee, French press ;)) and laughed our heads off till 11pm. Then I came back to the guesthouse and hung out with my favorite front desk girl. And I gave her a Jamicure. The first ever Ethiopian Jamicure. And she LOVES it. Now it's 2:18am and I seriously need some sleep. 

Love you all. 

Ethiopia Day 1

Day 1 

It was amazing to fly into Ethiopia again. I loved seeing the muted desert colors and feeling the warm sunshine on my face. I love being surrounded by Amharic. Getting a visa took foreverrrrrrrr as they have more than doubled the old cost, and have changed the system yet again. It was mass chaos. I was ready for it though (this is my sixth time here, after all :)) and as soon as I got my visa, I went to the bank and exchanged my money. Then I grabbed my bags (easily spotted by their embarrassing zebra duct-tape handles) and made my way out into the beautiful sunshine. I saw my driver almost immediately and after a big hug, we headed for the guesthouse. 

Because it was so early, I had about an hour to unpack and get organized before we headed out to see Micah. I was super nervous, because I was supposed to have an interpreter and advocate to go with me, but they hadn't shown up at the airport or the guesthouse. When I had called, I realized there had been some serious miscommunications and I decided to just go alone. 

When we pulled up outside the orphanage, I knew Micah wouldn't be there (I had them enroll him in school in the fall). But I still couldn't breathe, and my heart was racing. The place seemed empty, and I went straight up to the main office. The person at the desk, who has been there on all my trips, was definitely shocked to see me. They were concerned that I had not announced my trip to anyone. However, they were very kind, and greeted me warmly. I can't go into much detail about what happened, but I started fighting for Micah's papers immediately. I managed to pinpoint where the paperwork is, and what the next few steps are. They are partially in progress as I write this. 

We went back to the guesthouse when we had done all we could at that point and I reconnected with my advisory contact. Then, I did something Abe will be very proud of me for. I rested. I climbed the roof and laid down in the sun. And it was awesome. I am always SO busy and I never have time for anything extra, and I never rest. It's a huge complaint of Abe's. He worries about me, especially with me being so sick all the time. Anyway, babe, you will love this. I spent two hours on the roof yesterday (I changed about four shades of color). I just sat and soaked it all in. I love listening to the sounds of the city and being in the gentle breeze, with the blazing sun on my face. It's therapy, people. 

At 4:30pm we went back to see Micah. He wasn't back quite yet, so I sat on the edge of my chair, unable to concentrate on anything except the door. I heard some movement; an unsure shuffle, and then a pause. I knew what he must be thinking. "Why am I being brought to the office? What did I do wrong?" A nanny gave him a little push and he stepped into view. I stopped breathing. There he was. My reason for living, for fighting, for breaking rules. My baby. 

He looked at me, and our eyes locked. I smiled but I was fighting back tears. I saw a million questions flash across his delicate face: "Where have you BEEN? Why haven't you come for me? Why should I trust you? Why should I be happy you're here?" My heart broke for him. And then he took a step towards me and held out his hand. He's NEVER made the first move before. I almost sobbed. It was his way of saying, "I don't know what's been happening, but I'm trusting you once more." I pulled him into my arms and to my surprise, he HUGGED me back. And he didn't let go for several seconds. 

We sat together and I pulled out a picture album I had made for him and he went through every picture, smiling and staring, trying to memorize the images. When he got to the picture of him and I, he just grinned at it. 

I pulled out my phone then, and we spent our the rest of our time watching videos. I wanted him to have something to think about, to dream of, to picture himself in. Another reality, one where he can communicate. One where he is loved and wanted. He kept leaning in closer and closer to the phone, as if being nearer would bring him into our life. His little face was only inches from the screen and his eyes were lit up as he watched each video with his full attention. 

He laughed a couple times, which was amazing. I've only ever heard him laugh once before. Today, he giggled when he saw Levi with Natalie's Ana (Frozen) wig, and once in another video. He didn't know what to make of the sledding videos but he was smiling. 

They told me I had to leave after about 40 minutes with him. I signed to him what I always tell him when I leave. I told him I would come back the next day. He looked at me and I saw fear in his eyes. But I also saw comprehension. I followed him to his room and gave him a HUGE hug. I told him I loved him. He signed it back. And I saw his sweatshirt that Levi gave him last time. He smiled at it, and then at me.  

He knows. He KNOWS. 

On the way back to the guesthouse I got a call that an important person on the case wanted to see me. I can't say much more, but they came and met with me and we spent about an hour discussing Micah's situation and how things will progress from here. Someday, I will be able to write about everything in detail, but for now, that's all I can say. 

Mission Impossible

5:15am 3/2/15

So here I go again. 

Once more, I am agreeing to climb into a giant metal bird and fly 13 hours to one of my babies. 

Did you just blink and re-read that? That's right, I'm on my way to Ethiopia. For a sixth time. To fight for my son. 

I have just peeled my girls off me and left them crying outside security with Abe and Levi. And now I'm sitting in the first terminal; a weird mix of excitement, anticipation and total dread. I am so thrilled to be going to see Micah again. I am terrified that my mission won't work. I'm excited to be independent. I'm heartbroken to leave my family. 

And I am not looking forward to flying. See, even though I know planes CAN fly, and I have flown more times than I can remember, I still don't understand it. I don't understand how a giant metal contraption full of people and baggage can suddenly pick up enough speed to become airborne and then sail thousand of miles, far above the clouds. It just doesn't make sense. 

See you in Dulles. 

8:02pm 3/2/15 U.S. time or 4:02am 3/3/15 ET time. Since I'm over the ocean, I have no idea what time zone I'm in. I'm ten hours away from America and three hours out from Ethiopia. 

I'm sitting here in an aisle seat. The seat directly next to me is empty which is great. I've been sleeping on and off the whole flight. Now I'm awake and waiting. Something this flight is forcing me to do is just RELAX. And I can't feel guilty about it since there is nothing else to do. I'm not even watching a movie. I'm just SITTING. I have Alasdair Fraser fiddling in my ear (for the WHOLE flight) and I'm just HERE. It's almost like meditation. I'm just in the moment. I can't think ahead, because I will freak about all the possibilities of failure this week. I am going to try and succeed where others have failed, and I have no clue what I am doing. BUT, I love my child more than anyone can know, and that will make me stronger than them. And I have God on my side. So whom shall I fear?

As soon as I get picked up from the airport, I am dropping off my things at the guesthouse and then going straight to Micah. The thought of seeing my beautiful boy brings me to tears. I cannot wait. 

I miss Abe and the kids. It's weird to travel without them. There is another mother near me and her little ones are snuggled all around her. I feel empty without my babies. At the same time, it's a relief to know they are safe and that I don't have to worry about them. This trip is about Micah and doing whatever it takes to clear him. And it's easier if I'm alone.....I can move faster, and go farther. But it's still lonely without them. 

I'm so excited to go home to Ethiopia. I miss the sounds and the smells and the warm air. I miss the sun. I miss my Ethiopian family. I miss the slow pace of life (although it also drives me crazy when it applies to adoption paperwork). I miss all the friends I have made, and I miss all the children at the orphanages and on the streets. I miss the food and the dancing. I miss the language. But most of all, I miss the feeling of belonging in a second world. Ethiopia is my home too, and I am so happy to be going back. 

Side note: at the Dulles Ethiopian Air check in, I spoke Amharic to the young man at the desk. And he totally freaked. My Ethiopian brothers would be so proud. :) The check-in guy couldn't believe I could speak so much Amharic. And then he asked if I was married. (Sorry, Abe.). 

Okay, I'm going back to my fiddle music. I love you all. 

Find Us Faithful

*This was written on 2/10/15*
 
 

Why does following God hurt so bad??? You would think that with all the scary trusting it requires, that at the very least, the actual ________________ (insert whatever you are supposed to do) would work out. To brave the uncharted waters of your calling, and face things you never imagined, to go after the insurmountable......when you trust and follow God, your calling works out. At least, that's the way it's supposed to go, isn't it? 

 

But it doesn't. Sometimes everything falls apart. Irreparably. 

 

We started trying to adopt Micah four years ago. FOUR. We KNOW we are his family. We know we are called to him. We know he is our son. We love him with everything we have, and we have given up so much to bring him home. And yet, here we are in America. His bed is empty, his clothes are folded and untouched. His pictures and books collect dust. And he sits in an orphanage across the world, day after day, year after year, with no language or love, and hope that is running dry. The desperation for him, the pain of hurting for him.....it consumes me. 

 

I have two other children in Ethiopia. Two precious, beautiful children who hold my heart. We have been trying to adopt them since March of 2013. Two years. We haven't written about them for privacy, and because it hurts to talk about them. It hurts to face the fear that maybe we will never get them out. So we don't talk about it. We can't face it. But today the pain of everything is shredding me. It's ripping my heart from my chest, squeezing me so tightly that I can't breathe. I can't move. I'm being strangled and yet sliced open all at once. I'm bleeding out and there is no tourniquet.  

Today we got the news that something else that we have invested our time, our hearts, and our life into is not going to work out. Today, after beating out odds that you can't even imagine, we were given news that destroyed us. Today, my heart was ripped from my chest and trampled on, and I am expected to sew myself up and keep going like it never happened. And I am strong. I am a fighter. I am a rock for my family to lean on. And usually, I can hold myself together. 

 

 

But today I was hysterical. 

 

 

I can't even remember the last time I cried like this. Abe has never seen me even see me be half this much a wreck. The pain of everything we have been through the past six years just cumulated and the loss we experienced today sent me to a place of grief like none other. My heart literally broke. 

 

Does God have a plan that I can't see? Of course He does. Does He know better than me? Yes. Can He work this for good and make sense and good of it? Undoubtably. He is GOD. But that does not mean that we are just happily accepting whatever comes our way. I believe in righteous anger. I believe in hating how sin hurts people. And I have children trapped and hurting, and I can't get to them. I have children at home, wholly trusting me and Abe to keep them safe, and we can't. They are caught in the crossfire. Innocent babies, who experience the pain of following God through a broken world right along with us. We do not walk through this life unscathed. Instead, we are left blindly reeling from the searing pain of going where we were told to go, and then having the life crushed out of us. 

 

 

 

God, find us faithful.