Waiting = Extra Coffee

In case you don't know me very well, I don't like chocolate. So instead of indulging in candy while I wait during this adoption, I drink extra coffee. Venti caramel (OMG IT'S ALMOST SEPTEMBER, PUMPKIN SPICE WILL BE BACK!!!!!!) iced latte from Starbucks anyone??? :)

This extra caffeine intake may or may not influence how patiently I wait. Whatevs.


Halfway across the world tonight, someone I have never met is going to decide if Abe and I will be allowed to continue in the process of waiting for a court date, or if further investigation into our case will be required first. Since Ethiopia is about 8 hours ahead of us, this decision will happen tonight while we sleep. Tomorrow around noon, I should hear one of three outcomes:


#1. Further investigation into our case is required before a court date can be issued. This would mean absolutely NO chance of a court date before closures next week on the 22nd. Which means our first trip would most likely be in October.

#2. No further investigation required, but no court date. This also means about a 99% chance of not going before closures.

#3. We get assigned a court date (for either now or October).


We are rooting for options #2 or #3. I'm sick as a dog as I write this. I'm wondering (not quite at the obsessing level, but almost) what will happen tonight and trying to pray about it, but thinking about it makes me sick. We also got our travel vaccines this week and so my body is currently a torment zone for Hep A, Tetanus, Typhoid, and Yellow Fever, and a stomach bug. Fun times.



Waiting is not my thing. It never has been. I'm not good with down time. If you know me, you know I can't sit still. I need to be DOING something at all times. Like right now. Abe sent me home to rest and I'm thinking, "What can I get done on my to-do list while I sit on the couch? Oh, I can blog!" (After this, I am going to go pack donations for our trip.)

I'm tired of waiting. I know that's a HUGE (the main?) part of the adoption process, but it hasn't gotten easier. What's worse is waiting for the unknown. Sure, God is my Heavenly Father and He has everything in His hands, and I know that, but I am not going to lie and give you the proper Christian answer and say I don't worry about the unknown remainder of this adoption. I have two kids that I love more than anything except Abe on the other side of the world and I can't get to them. AND Levi has acute bronchitis. Heart-wrenching.

I'm tired of waiting for a court date. I'm tired of everything possible going wrong, and of hearing, "Your case is being handled abnormally," or "There is another delay on your case," and I'm tired of my kids waiting and waiting and waiting for us, and yet we never show up. It's not our fault. But it's a reality. Levi and Zahria are old enough to understand that we haven't come and are supposed to. But they aren't able to understand WHY we haven't come yet. All they know is that parent after parent arrives at the Transition Home, but it is never us. They have waited almost eight weeks and we haven't shown up. Not a very promising set of parents, if you ask me. Forgive me babies, Mommy is trying. You have no idea how hard Mommy is trying. I WILL come for you.

My dear friend Amy got me this bracelet to wear until I see my kids, and then I am giving it to Zahria.

 

Callanach played an acoustic show yesterday for a church benefit and there was a young couple there who adopted a small (A-DORABLE) boy internationally (he didn't look to be more than a year and a half old) and we found out they started the process around the same time we did. January 2010-ish. They were fundraising when we were in March of 2010. And they brought a baby home in September 2011. And here Abe and I are in practically September 2012, and we haven't been to court yet. We will be lucky at this point if our kids are home at Christmas. Granted, if we had gotten a referral earlier and completed our process, something would have been wrong, because we are supposed to be adopting Levi and Zahria. But it still makes me wonder: "These people had way less difficulty. Why them? Why was their process so much easier? Are they better Christians? Am I doing something wrong? Why is this happening to us?" But even as I ask that, I know why. Abe and I needed to grow, spiritually, and just as people. We needed a hard time because it has touched other people. There have been several chain reaction adoptions, partially because of our story. We are proving that as a pair of kids we couldn't do this on our own, but with the Almighty God, we can do anything because He is in us and leading us. God is proving that faith DOES move mountains and that miracles DO happen. And our job is to follow and trust. But I still struggle. Last week I was really struggling with the "why". Why haven't we gone? Why aren't the kids already home? Why don't we at least have a court date? Why are courts closing and we are no closer than before?

I have to keep reminding myself that I need to have faith like a child. I need to trust God implicitly with the whole situation. The past couple weeks I was hoping that if I had faith like a child that God would give us a court date before closures, that it would happen. I totally believed it. I was praying like crazy. I had total faith it was going to happen last week. I was expecting it to happen, anticipating it, preparing for the call. I was positive we were getting a court date.

We didn't.

I felt shattered at the end of last week. Why had I even bothered trying to have a childlike faith and to believe so stubbornly? I was angry. A little betrayed. And then I realized I have been approaching this all wrong. I need to have faith like a child that God is my Father, and that He wants what is best for me, and that He has perfect timing. In THAT I need to have total and stubborn faith. Not that He will always give me what I want when I want it. But that He will work everything out and it will all be for the best. Levi is proof of that. When we found out about him last year and were told he was about 7, that was fine. When we thought he was maybe 9, that was a big decision and faith tester to go ahead and say yes. And then later we found out that he was even older. But by the time that happened, age no longer mattered. Levi is our son. He always has been. And his age has nothing to do with it. But at the same time, if I had known last year, or even in December that he was older than 9, we probably wouldn't have kept going after him. And that would have been the worst mistake of our lives. So we needed that year from hell to realize how much we wanted this boy.........how much he means to us. So that situation alone is enough to comfort me while my phone remains black and silent.

God's GOT THIS.

Worrying is pointless. It doesn't help me (it actually harms me, as it makes me MORE sick) or Abe, and it doesn't help the kids. As my girl Jamie told me, "The devil is a liar! We know whatever is happening, our God is greater."  And she's totally right. So I'm not giving in, I'm not giving Satan the satisfaction, and I'm not going to worry. I'm giving this situation, this judge's decision, our whole adoption, back over to God for the millionth time, and I am going to go enjoy making music with my friends. My wise Mommy told me the other day to, "Relax, enjoy your weekend, and just REST. Everything is going to change soon!!!!" (Did I mention I can't WAIT for that??? ;))


That being said, please PRAY for us and the kids tonight! God's in control and it is His decision what happens, but we would still like option #1 nixed. Doesn't hurt to ask! ;)

Letters from Levi and Zahria :)

We got new pictures and videos of the kids yesterday (I'm surprised I haven't worn them out watching/looking at them!)..........ahhhhhh, I can't wait till we can post them!!!! :-D But we got letters today and we CAN post those! I had to black out some of the "identifiable" information (I feel like this is a cop show! :)) but you can still read the translations! :) LEVI AND ZAHRIA, WE LOVE YOU!!!!! <3

Things You Should Know About the Adoption Process

I started writing this post last week, because multiple people are asking what they should know about adoption. Adoption is incredible, but it is NOT easy. Jesus adopted us and He died on the cross for us: NOT easy (in fact, He was the only one who COULD). So please know, adoption is the most beautiful and incredible thing in the world. But it's not _______ (help me out here!) EASY!!!!

Things You Should Know About The Adoption Process:


1. Things rarely go right the first time. Or the second. Or often the third. Don't expect them too. Paperwork will get messed up, people will make mistakes, your social worker will visit more than planned. You will redo paperwork a million times and you will constantly be barraged with additional unexpected requirements.


2. You can't control anything. By this, I mean ANYTHING. I should know. I am a control FREAK. I love knowing exactly how things are supposed to go and getting them DONE. ASAP. Adoption is to me what a giant pile of colored marbles, legos, and broken crayons are to someone with OCD. I almost can't handle it. I was raised by a Marine. You do things a certain way, at a certain time, and WITHIN a certain time (as in, NOW). You get it done, you move on. Efficiency and quality, people. Not so with adoption. I'm surprised I don't have gray hair (in fact, I am surprised I have any hair at all. I should have pulled it all out by now....). Example: the first day of my homestudy, I handed EVERY. SINGLE. PAPER. that was needed to my social worker. All of it. Our homestudy wasn't finalized till almost seven month later. SEVEN. That's a whole different story with extenuating circumstances, but trust me on this, you can't control this process. Let it go now...just give it to God. Literally the only things I could control were what came off my printer (and even my printer rebeled more times than I care to admit). Every piece of paperwork depends on someone else, and those people don't always share your agenda or timeline. I have 25lb of paperwork in my house to prove it and every single piece had to be signed off on, notarized, certified, state certified, or apostilled (go look it up, I didn't know what it meant either ;)) before it could be submitted.


3. There are no timelines. You will ask your agency for some kind of timeline. Did I say ask? I meant beg. You will BEG your agency for a timeline. You will get a vague answer (it isn't all their fault...they cannot control how fast people move, or what issues may arise with your case) of something  from 2-4 years. People will ask YOU for a timeline. When will your paperwork be done/arrive in Ethiopia/be approved? When will you get a court date/embassy date/travel? When will your kid(s) be home? Here is how a typical conversation goes for me (adjusted to fit our referral now):

Kind friend: "Any news on your adoption?!?!?"
Me: "Nooooo, not really. Still waiting." (At least NOW I can say I know who my kids are!)
Friend: "Oh. Nothing? So, when will they be home?"
Me: "We don't know......it all depends. It's pretty complicated, but basically we have no idea when they could be home. We are now waiting on a court date."
Friend looks puzzled.
Me: "Okay, so after you get a referral--get matched with your kids--you wait for a court date. Court dates are typically 8-18 weeks after referral. BUT, courts close August to October, because of the rainy season, when everything floods, and since Ethiopia is a 3rd world country, they have to close down their international courts. So right now, Ethiopia is pushing to get families to get in early for court, before the rainy season starts. So we COULD get a date anytime. Families who got referrals after us have already gotten their dates so we are next in line. So we could travel ANY time, but we could also NOT get a date and have to wait until courts open again in October. Then we would get a date for October or November and make our first trip over. IF we passed court the first time, then typically embassy is 8-18 weeks after that, but sometimes you fail court due to paperwork not being ready, or due to other reasons and then we would need to wait for another court date, where a rep would stand in for us. Then if we passed that time, we would wait for an embassy date. Then, as long as they didn't need to do a further investigation into our case and send it to Nairobi, Kenya, we would wait to clear embassy and after THAT they could be home. So basically they could be home in late September, or maybe not till next spring, depending."
Friend collapses, eyes glazed over with information overload.


4. Your life mantra will become: "Hurry up and wait." You will rush around like a maniac, filling out paperwork and demanding that others hurry and finish what they owe you (social workers will forget you, friends wriitng reference letters will procrastinate until your friendship is almost over, and government agencies will lose your paperwork) and once you have FINALLY gathered all this precious information, which was all due at a specific time, you will wait. Indefinitely. Indeterminably. Impatiently.


5. You will become bipolar. You will desperately long for people to ask about your adoption, because it is so important, and because the newness wears off quick and lots of people forget to care after the first year. You will wish SOMEONE cared enough to ask and see how you are doing. And when they do, you will dread answering and wish they had never asked and that you could brush the whole thing under the carpet because there is no news, no progress, and no way to explain the situation to a person who has not experienced adoption themselves. You can't summarize your entire process in a few sentences to help them understand why everything is always such a mess. So you respond, and they look at you like you have three heads. And if they are a truly good friend, they will ask again, but not too soon.  


6. You will cry at the drop of a hat. My poor grandfather is a saint. We have a phone date every Tuesday night and he and my Grammy used to ask me every week about the adoption. About a year and a half in, they must have realized (even though I tried to hide it) how much it hurt to talk about it every week and never have anything new to say. So they stopped asking. About two months ago, my grandpa mentioned it for the first time in a YEAR. He said, "Sweetie, any news on the adoption? I know you don't want to talk about it too much....I know it makes you cry, but I don't want you to think I don't care. I'm afraid that asking about it hurts you and makes you cry and I am afraid NOT asking about it hurts you too! So I will just ask and you can answer and then we can talk about something else right away, but I wanted you to know I care." The man is an angel. And he's totally right. That's why I say adoption makes you bipolar. You want people to ask and to care, and at the same time, it hurts. But it hurts when people don't ask too. So go ahead and ask, just be understanding when the person starts crying, and don't stare at them like they have lost their minds to go through this process when they tell you, "I don't know" to EVERY question you ask them.

7. You will fall desperately in love with someone (or multiple someones! :)) that you have never met, or even seen. You will stay up late, get up early, work extra hours every possible second, scrimp like Scrooge (cereal, pasta, apples, repeat), and fundraise until people are afraid to open your emails. You will dream of your precious child and thinking about them every waking hour and the thought of them will push you through the whole process, however long it takes. And then when you DO finally see that precious face(s), your heart will explode into a million pieces and every fiber of your being will love that child. (You will then grow shaggy brown fur, giant claws and teeth and stand eight feet high. That's right, when you look in the mirror, you will see a mama grizzly bear).

8. You will be changed forever. You will wonder how you lived before adoption.....how you COULD live before adoption. After seeing the need, having your children experience it firsthand, and being completely broken inside, you will cry for orphans all over the world on a daily basis. What is the Christian church DOING?????? What was I doing????? It is our responsibility to care for the needy, specifically the widows and the orphans. How could I have been so selfish before, thinking only of myself, my needs, my wants, when children are DYING all over the world? I can help. YOU can help. Adopt. Help someone else who is adopting. Sponsor a child. Buy donations. It's not hard, it's not asking too much, and it is your responsibility. Do SOMETHING!!!!!! As I was walking through Wal*Mart the other day, I saw a bottle of nail polish and thought, "I like that color, I think I'll get it; I deserve a treat." My next thought was, "No you don't! And a bottle of nail polish and a bottle of Ibuprofen cost about the same. I could send the Ibuprofen in the donation bin." Bye-bye sparkly lilac-purple.

9. You will want to go back and adopt more kids before you are through with your first adoption. And you will start saving for it. Every minute of pain, every struggle, all the frustrations and challenges will fade and you will be planning how to go back and adopt again. You won't be able to help it. Those kids steal your heart, and not just the one(s) you are adopting. Part of your heart will be left with the country or place they come from. (Did I mention we are going to adopt again?)


10. You will meet the most amazing people and make incredible friends. These people will be crying with you, laughing with you, angry with you.....they will just BE with you, no matter what. They are always there to lean on, and to call or text, no matter what the time. The adoption community is one of the most amazing groups I have ever had the privilege of being a part of, and I wouldn't have made it this far without them. Just to name a few people who I CONSTANTLY talk to (multiple times a day): Brandy, Christina, Tracy, Amy, Lindsey, Carrie, Jamie, Kaylen, Paige....thank you ladies, for being a support system of titanium caliber. There are at hundreds of others I have met, and naming them all would be impossible, but they are all incredible people and I am so thankful for them!!!

Adoption is hard. Adoption is amazing. Are you being called?

"Talking" to my kids for the first time!!!!

I got one of the greatest gifts ever today.

My son and daughter got to see me and Abe signing and talking on a pre-recorded video, telling them how much we love them and how proud we are of them. And WE got to see a video of THEM watching us, seeing us for the first time in "real" life, and not just pictures.

I cried my eyes out.

Levi was wearing one of our adoption bracelets that we did as a fundraiser. My friends Brandy and Logan gave them their care packages, and a doll for Zahria (THANK YOU BRANDY!!!!!!!) and then asked them if they wanted to see us. Levi and Zahria sat down on a chair together, looking excited and possibly a little overwhelmed. Logan started the video and they both immediately leaned closer to the computer, smiling BIG. When we started talking and signing, Levi's eyes LIT up and his face split into a HUGE grin. He looked SO. HAPPY. As if all his fears were relieved. I am going home. My parents can sign with me. I will have a way to communicate. .

I started bawling like a baby.

Zahria was grinning too, and watching intently. Someone who works for our agency translated what we were saying to her, and she kept looking up, eyes shining, to listen, and then back at the video. I bawled some more. THIS is why we went through over two and a half years of complete hell, fighting tooth and nail to be able to get these kids. To see their precious faces, and to be able to tell them that we LOVE them and we are coming for them. To see their excitement and for them to know someone CARES and that they get a mommy and a daddy forever. Every minute of heartache and suffering, all the frustration, the insanity--it was all worth it. I did more than I would have ever thought possible for these kids and I would do it again in a heartbeat. THESE are the light of my life, and they make our family whole.

Possibly traveling in August?!?! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...... :-D

The delay on our case has been taken care of! Sorry, no more details than that haha, you know how adoption rolls. The main word to remember is CONFIDENTIALITY! :-p Sorry!!!!! :) But you can rejoice with us and know that it has been resolved (YAY!) anddddddddddd.........................


...........there is a VERY high chance what we will be traveling this summer for court! :-D :-D :-D As in, August. MAYBE.


Ethiopia just announced that its courts will be closing August 22nd.....two weeks later than normal! Since our case is open, that gives us a HUGE chance of being pushed through....especially since a lot of families who got referrals after us have already been given court dates. So...............  :-D Please pray!


If we ARE able to go, there is also a high chance that we will fail court. Because of the delay, certain things need to be changed in the kids' paperwork and if we went in August, that probably wouldn't be enough time for the paperwork to get through all the government approvals........so we would most likely fail, and then be given a second court date (that we do not have to be present for) and then hopefully we would pass. And wait on an embassy date. If we go now though, at least we could start the wait for a second date and for embassy, instead of having to wait till October or November for our first trip. Guess we will see what God has in store for us............. ;)


During this time, where we MIGHT be traveling in less than a month, we thought it would be a good idea to talk about donations for the orphanage. We will be bringing  as many donations as possible to ET with us (the donations will be most of our luggage!), and if you would like to help and send us some, we would greatly appreciate it, and we know all the kids and orphanage staff would too!!! :)

If you want to send us something, email me at signingchick08@hotmail.com! :)



Orphanage Donation List:

-reusable grocery bags
-infant and children's tylenol
-Vitamin D drops
-Iron drops
-chewable multi-vitamins
-Benadryl
-plastic and latex disposable wipes
-clothes (for children 0-15)
-crocs (all sizes)
-soap
-toothpaste
-toothbrushes
-floss
-bandaids
-hand sanitzer
-lice treatment
-A + D ointment
-diaper rash ointment
-diapers
-unscented baby wipes
-rattles and other hard, plastic stimulation toys for infants (can be soy)
-Enfamil lactose-free formula
-Parents Choice lactose-free formula (can be soy)

-matchbox cars
-individual bottles of bubbles
-card games
-jump ropes
-soccer balls
-small notebooks
-crayons
-pens and pencils
-hairbands
-balls (small, or that can be deflated)



You can also send us a monetary donation if you would like and specify how you want it spent towards donations. We just want to bring as much as possible to give out! :) Thank you for considering!!!!!!!!!!

Language for Levi!!!!!!!

So something awesome happened!!!!!!!  My family coordinator (FC) emailed and told me that Levi and his teacher's assistant at school were asking for a sign language book or resources to help him learn some ASL before he comes to America. We sent some papers (with pictures of signers) through email to some friends who just took pictures for us while they were in ET (Ethiopia) and they were able to print them and give them to Levi. They said he was BEAMING. We were happy but sad too, because it's all in English and 2D and ASL is 3D and moves, so learning it off paper is TOUGH.  Plus you can't get grammar or a lot of other nuances or important (conceptual) aspects of the language, just the literal signs for certain objects. I emailed my (FC) and asked if the school that they are now sending him to had internet access, specifically YouTube, because I thought I could send them my ASL video links (http://www.youtube.com/signlanguagebasics). My FC said that the internet is unreliable and that it probably wouldn't work, BUT THAT I COULD SEND A DVD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT?!?!??!?!?!!? So Abe and I put all my YouTube videos on CD/DVD last night and are mailing them tomorrow! I GET TO TEACH LEVI TO SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE GETS REAL LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE I MEET HIM!!!!!!! F-L-I-P-P-I-N-G OUT! :) I bet by the time we get there, we can talk a little to him!


Please keep praying for an August court date!!!! Mid august will be 8 weeks since our referral (this week Thursday will be 5 weeks) and court dates are TYPICALLY about 10 weeks after referral (although they range 8-18) so there is still a STRONG possibility that we could go to court before closures. I WANT TO GO SO BADLY!!!!!!!!! I am DYING to meet my kids. Can I wait? Of course. The waiting is SO much easier, now that I know that Levi and Zahria are safe, and that they are ours, and where they are. I feel complete and utter relief. But of course I am DYING to meet them! I am so in love with them.....waiting feels like forever, and it's already been 2.5 years. But it is no longer torture. The unknown, the endless feeling of helplessness, that is gone. So if we don't make it till after closures, I won't be devastated. Just disappointed. I really want to go next month! Because I seriously have the two cutest kids in the world and I just want to hug them! :)


 Can I also say, the people you meet through adoption are A-MAZING. Just incredible. I have "met" (through email, Facebook, phone and face-to-face!) so many people who are absolutley some of the best people on the planet. People who are willing to support us no matter what we are going through (adoption or otherwise). People who text and call me on a daily basis, listen to me whine and cry, and just love me. People who share in my joy, and cry when I cry. People who are taking time out of THEIR trips to ET to take pictures and videos of our kids for us, and to deliver our care packages to them. People who love our kids almost as much as we do. These people are some of my favorite people in the world. I could not name you all (too many of you, and I adore you all!) but you know who you are. <3 Thank you!!!!!! I love you all so much!!!!!!!


Awesome surprise from last week and this week. TWO VIDEOS!!!!! One is a 7 second video of Zahria and Levi (they are BEYOND gorgeous) blowing us kisses and waving. Levi just does one sweet but manly kiss hahaha. :) Zahria is a little diva. :) The second is a 30 second video is of Zahria (most precious and beautiful girl in the WORLD!) giggling and waving, and saying, "Hi Mawmeee! Hi Dawdeeee! I love you!" and blowing us kisses. Can I just say, I bawled when I watched the videos. Or should I say, bawl when I watch the videos? :) I'm surprised I haven't broken or worn out the video. I watch them a million times a day, often for five minutes straight. Zahria's laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. It's more beautiful than any music. And Levi's eyes and smile are the same. It kills me. (*sniff*....wipes eyes). Oh, by the way, this adoption has made me a crybaby and a sap. That's right, this Marine's daughter is officially a salt water resource.


I guess it is time I told you (for those who don't know), that Levi and Zahria are names that Abe and I picked out. I made up "Zahria".....well, I THOUGHT I did! I "made" it up and then when I googled it, it DID come up. Boooo haha! It means "desert flower" or "princess" (how appropriate are those?!?!!? Perfecttttttt! :). Their Ethiopian names are different, and of course confidential, so we will call them Levi and Zahria for now. Most of you have already known this for the 1,124 days we have been waiting for them to come home now. Because of course, names were the first thing we picked out. Wait, I just did the math. 1,124 DAYS WAITING?!?!?!? Holy crap. Anyway, back to my point. They have other names and if they want to keep them, that's fine. If they want to change them, that's fine. But for now, let's go with Levi and Zahria. :)


AugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugust
AugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugust
AugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugustAugust........

REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 24th, 2009. 2:30pm (ish!) Best day of my life. I married my best friend.


June 21st, 2012. 2:58pm Second best day of my life. I received a referral for the two most beautiful children in the world.


That's right! WE GOT OUR REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D FINALLY!!!!! After 2.5 years of waiting, 17 months DTE, and enough tears to fill an ocean, we have a referral for our kids!!!!


First, can I say, Abe and I are over the moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We've been freaking out every since Thursday, June 21st. when we got THE call. It was AMAZING. There is no way to describe the happiness and relief and JOY at knowing who our children are after 2.5 years of fighting for them. Most details of our referral are confidential, but they are a brother (deaf) and a sister (hearing). Absolutely GORGEOUS.


There is so much to this story that I cannot share. I wish I could. The details that would floor you. A story, that as it unfolds, becomes more complicated, and yet more intertwined with mine and Abe's life for the past several years, and even up to over a decade ago. A road with soooooo many stony, twisting paths, and mountains to climb. And so many, many miracles.


I'm going to try and tell as much of the story as I can but it won't be enough. Maybe someday I can share the whole story later, but right now it's just not time. Someday though. Because stories like this need to be told.



Let's go back to about 2000. I don't remember the exact year, to be honest. It must have been somewhere around there though. I was trying to teach myself some sign language so I could communicate with a nine year old deaf boy I met at work. My heart became burdened for orphans in Africa. Specifically deaf orphans. I told my Mom that I wanted to adopt a deaf child someday. She found information about an orphanage in Libya that specifically housed deaf children. I told her that someday I would adopt deaf children from Africa. And about that year, halfway across the world, my son was born.


2004. I entered college as an ASL-English interpreter. Either at this time, or in 2006, when I transferred to RIT (to become a better interpreter and to be surrounded by the deaf community), my daughter was born.


May 2009. Abe and I got married. We'd always known we wanted to internationally adopt deaf kids. We had agreed in March 2007 that should we get married, we would someday do just that. But not right away. Later. Like when we were in our mid-thirties. My dream of Africa was forgotten. We wanted to try and adopt Hispanic children.


January 2010. An earthquake shattered Haiti. Thousands upon thousands of children were left orphans. No one to care for them, no where to live, nothing to eat or drink. Many were injured. And they died like flies. My church personally sponsors an orphanage in Haiti and MANY of the children were killed in the earthquake. Six men from our church (military men, doctors, a chaplain) went down into Haiti with as much supplies as they could carry to get the kids out and move them to a safer area. What they found was horrors that still give them nightmares. Dead children everywhere. Dying children everywhere. When the group of guys returned, they shared stories that broke our hearts. We were in tears.


Abe and I hadn't wanted kids right away. We wanted our music to take off. We wanted to get a house. We wanted to pay off some school loans. We wanted to save for the adoption. I had an adoption account I had been saving money for, but had given it away to a missions outreach to children in the Philipines and we had nothing left to start the adoption process.



God told us to go ahead anyway.



We started the process on complete faith. I worked some extra hours and we came up with $1,000 for the first few fees. Then my grandfather's church sent us $3,100 to cover our homestudy. We were floored. And so grateful. It was proof that we were doing the right thing, even when all logic said we were crazy. Our friends held a fundraiser for us and gave us $300. We sold adoption bracelets and made about $300. People donated money to us, anywhere from $5-$500 (this is over the process of past 2.5 years that all this has happened). When (two summers ago) I complained once, during a particularly difficult time during this process, that I wished God would show me more support (this was on a Thursday), we got a check on Sunday, dated for Thursday, in the amount of $10,000--the exact amount needed to send our dossier to Ethiopia. It was like God had slapped me across the face and told me, "Just TRUST. I'm taking care of this." Abe and I have added up the rough numbers of all the donations we have received towards this process......and it has come to $16,000.00. How does that even happen???? This is SUCH a God thing. Absolutely mind-blowing.


Most of the details about how we came to recieve our referral are confidential. We can't share anything, basically. For those who are not familiar with the process, we are currently waiting on a court date. Court dates are typically 10-18 weeks after the referral. However, Ethiopian courts close Aug-Oct due to their rainy season, so there is a chance we could go early (before the second week of August), or there is a chance that we could miss courts before closure and have to wait till almost November for our first trip. If we pass court, then we go back for embassy 10-18 weeks after we pass court. We can bring the children home after passing embassy.


Back to our precious kids. I will call them "Levi" and "Zahria". They are brother and sister, and Levi is deaf. They are the most beautiful children I have ever seen. So amazing. Words can't describe them, and we love them with all our hearts. When we got "THE" call, I was lying on the couch with my little sister, watching a movie. I had recieved an email from my agency about ten minutes before and wasn't expecting a call. When my phone started ringing, I wasn't excited at all, since the agency calls me fairly often. In fact, I almost didn't take the call. Something told me to just answer and I did. My family coordinator (FC) said, "Hi, this ***** from (my agency). Do you have a few minutes and a computer?" I said yes and grabbed my laptop and went into the bedroom so that my sister could keep watching her movie. My FC said, "I emailed you a few minutes ago." I said, "Yeah, I got it," thinking she meant the email she had sent ten minutes before. She was quiet. I opened my email and there was an unread message, sent about a mnute before. The subject line said, "Issuing Referral". I couldn't breathe. My FC started talking and I tried to stay calm. About 30 seconds in, I asked, "Is this a referral call????" She said yes, and I started bawling. Like, hysterically. I couldn't see to write down any of the information she was giving me (luckily she emailed it all :)). I just listened and cried. I was SO happy.......completely overwhelmed. The past three weeks had been horrible stressful with adoption stuff and then to FINALLY hear those sweet words and to know that I had my kids was the craziest feeling ever. When i called Abe after, I was frantically trying to think of a cool way to tell him, since typically when I call, I say, "This is NOT a referral call!" so that he doesn't get excited and then disappointed. I thought about saying, "Hi Daddy!" and then decided that wouldn't be clear enough. Then he answered the phone and all I could say was, "Hi." And then I was silent for a few seconds. And then I started crying. Then I said, "Babe, they called. They are ours!!! Levi and Zahria are ours!!!!" And then I kept crying.


It is the most amazing thing in the world to be able to stare at their little faces every day, whenever we want, and to know that they are our kids, and that we will be bringing them home someday soon. I feel like I've lost 100lb......like this huge  weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel relief, complete and utter relief. And I feel amazing joy. This is a MIRACLE and I can't believe it is FINALLY happening; FINALLY all coming together. After all the heartache and the pain, the seemingly endless fight, it's coming down to the home stretch. And it was all worth it. Every minute. Every time I look into their precious faces, I know that this was right. We were supposed to do this. These are our kids. And it is the most awe-inspiring, amazing, and scary feeling ever. I love these kids with everything I have and I will do anything for them. They are proof of God's love, His will, timing, and calling, of hard work and love, and of miracles. So many miracles.

May, Mother's Day, and Marissa.

It's May. May marks our wedding anniversary. May will also be our 28th month in the adoption process, and 16 months DTE.

Mother's Day was especially hard this year. The third one we have been through since starting this process. I may or may not have lost it in church five minutes into the service and gone grocery shopping instead. 

I'm so grateful to have friends who care about me though, especially the ones who sent me Mother's Day texts again. Specifically one text, the day before, from my wifey Courtney. "Lu2. Might already be tmrw where your babies are so I'll say Happy Mother's Day now. :-)". Some friendships just can't be measured.

So any news or updates that we can share? Nope. 

Discouraging? Yep. 

But recently I've had an attitude change. I can continue to be depressed and stressed and cry a lot, and be very critical of our agency, or I can ask God to help me change my attitude and to help me deal with the wait. I'm choosing the latter. Am I still going crazy longing for my kids to come home? Yes, it's worse than ever. But I'm at peace right now. Trusting God and doing my best to respond to the situation as He calls me to. With a prayerful heart but MINUS my critical and complaining spirit. I can be impatient and feel righteous indignation, but I need to change the bitterness and resentment in my heart. I made the decision to place everything back in God's hands two weeks ago and last week decided to commit to letting God fix my attitude. This week has been a lot better and I am less stressed and not too worried about the adoption, although I AM obsessed with thinking about it. :)

And still we wait. 

So while we continue the waiting game, we thought we would take this time to announce our attachment plan. :)

Now you may be thinking: an attachment plan? What???? What does that even mean? Why would they need one? Aren't they getting older kids? 

An attachment plan is just what it sounds like. We have to figure out how to make our children trust us, bond with us, depend on us, and realize that we will NEVER leave them and that we will ALWAYS care for them. 

We've spoken to multiple families (as well as our agency and social worker) who have adopted children of all ages on the topic and made our decisions for our personal attachment plan based off the information we have gathered. 

Our kids have possibly been abandoned, have been moved multiple times with no warning or explanation, have had numerous adults in there lives (none of them permanent) and have had communication barriers (or no communication) with their care-givers for years. It can only be expected that they will have attachment issues. These issues could be a huge range of things but mostly likely will be an inability or struggle to attach to anyone, specifically an adult/care-giver OR the tendency to try to attach to EVERY adult they see. We want them to learn that WE are their parents forever and we want them to learn that it is safe to attach to us. We do not want them trying to attach to others. 

Therefore: attachment-plan-a-la-Ruper. :)

So here is what we have decided. On our "airport day", the day when we finally come home with the kids, anyone and everyone is welcome to come to the airport. We WANT as many people there as want to come, to celebrate one of the happiest moments and greatest victories of our lives. :)

On the "airport day", people may hug our children. You can bring balloons and signs and cameras. Basically, it's a party, except that we ask you do not GIVE our children anything. No presents, no snacks,etc. They need to learn that everything they need comes from us. But please come and love on them and welcome them home. :) (PS, if you want to SEND presents, or give them to me and Abe to give to the kids, that is fine with us. :))

After the "airport day", we will be staying home as a family to work on our new "normal" and to start bonding as a family. We will not be allowing visitors at ALL for about eight weeks. During this time we will work on teaching them to trust us. Eight weeks may seem like a long time, but it really isn't. We will use an intuitive approach depending on how our kids do, but eight weeks of solidarity is the plan. If we happen to make a trip as a family and you see us, feel free to say hello but please do not touch our kids or give them anything. 

After eight weeks, we will allow family and close friends, 2-3 at a time, to visit us if they want. During these visits, you are welcome to play with and communicate with our children! :) We would love that. And we are sure they will too. You are extremely important in their lives. The only clause is that you may not touch them (no hugs or kisses) and you may not give them anything. No presents. No giving them a drink if they are thirsty. No feeding them. No helping them complete a task. Abe and I will be taking care of that to ensure they know WE are their caretakers, even in the presence of other adults. 

After ten-twelve weeks, we will evaluate how we feel our children are doing and figure out how we will proceed from there. 

Thank you for your understanding! We love you all, are so glad to have you in our lives, and can't wait to introduce you to our precious children someday! :)

Wrecked.

Wrecked.

     That's how I feel. Completely and utterly wrecked. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't think working 4am-9pm on a daily basis is helping. That's on a regular day.

     Today, I also feel like I got hit with a sledgehammer. And like part of my heart got ripped out. Lots of stuff going on and nothing I can talk about but today was the pinnacle. Lost my mind earlier and was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I felt like everything got knocked off orbit. Got hit with news that broke my heart and spirit. Felt like I was dying.

     And then I turned on the radio. I turned on Klove and the first thing out of the speaker's mouth was, "Do you ever wonder: God, WHY is this happening to me?" and then she added a quote from Laura Story (whose husband has been diagnosed with a brain tumor): "Sometimes God blesses His children with the very absence of the thing they pray for."

     Although I know I will continue crying every hour for the rest of today and maybe for weeks in the future, I have peace that God is in control and has this situation firmly in His hands. And I need to trust that He will do what is best, whatever that may be. My job is to continue to worship and trust and pray. So while I'm crying because my heart is broken, I'm filled with peace.

And someday up in heaven, there won't be any pain or tears.



Or homeless babies.

Direct Line to God

So each day that passes makes it harder and harder to wait. We've had so many promises broken, so many expectations dashed to the ground. Every day, no matter how we fight it, this small ray of hope burns inside us. Every morning we ask ourselves, "Could this be the day? Will we know what our children look like today?" And every night, we go to sleep asking God to bring our children to us and to help us wait.


Our pastor made an interesting metaphor at church. He said that if we had the president's number, we would be calling it all the time, just because we could. Even if we didn't like him. Simply because we had the ear of someone in power. In that same reasoning, why do so few Christians really pray, and pray more often? We have the "direct number" to the creator of the universe, the One who is in control of everything.


Although we have been praying constantly, I realized we could be praying more. Instead of constantly thinking about when I should call the head of the Africa program to see if there are any updates, I could talk some more to God. He is my daddy, after all.

Just a thought. :)

Two Years And Counting.

     January. The time of fresh starts, new commitments. My birthday month. And our two year anniversary of beginning in this adoption process.


     On January 12th, 2010, massive destruction hit Haiti. People were dying everywhere. An orphanage that my church had set up and sponsors was hit and many children died. Six men from our church went down to move what was left of the orphanage to safe ground. The stories they came back with broke my heart. And that's when God called us to DO something. Not to sit around in our comfy apartment and say a quick prayer for those people, but to TAKE ACTION. There are hundreds of homeless and dying children all over the world, and how can Christians say they care but DO nothing?


     I didn't want children right then. My music career was starting to take off, I was busy working and enjoyed my job and I had a list of things I wanted to do. None of which included having to completely change my life for kids. But that wasn't what God had in mind. God changed my heart from wanting to do my own thing and having it be just me and Abe, to longing for two children that I have never met and wanting them more than anything else in the world.


     Now two years have passed. Two years of struggles and pain and growing. Two years of working every minute and barely sleeping to pay off the costs of brining two children home. Two years of fighting for children whose faces we have only dreamed about.


     It's crazy how much we want out kids. We talk about it all the time, and I cry about half that. Seeing other people and their adopted babies, and seeing families who started the process long after us flying by us (receiving referrals, flying to their country, bringing home their child) is heartbreaking. It's discouraging. It threatens our joy sometimes. But when we get a referral isn't our decision. It's God's. Devastating to wait? Yes. I have a room with two empty beds and bureaus. In that room are some colored lamps, toys, clothes, and two huge pieces of brightly colored artwork. There are crayons and army men and mittens. But no children. No smiling faces, no shining eyes, no one to tug on my shirt to ask for my help. No one to hug and tell them how hard I fought for them and how much I love them.


     It's especially hard recently, as we have found several other deaf children in other countries and in Ethiopia, who we cannot currently proceed to try and adopt. Long story short, paperwork only applies to each individual country and then to each individual agency. To adopt any of the children we know of so far would require us to pull out of our current program and redo all the paperwork. Everything fresh. Including all the fees. Which is next to impossible and would be a waste. So we are hanging tight. But every story we hear makes our eyes well up. The stories of these kids are unbelievable. If only we could help them all.


     But everything is going to be okay. I'm not worried. (I AM impatient! ;)) God has this and He has our kids. So I can rest assured that in the end, this will all work out.








Okay, so the next part of the blog is a bit of a rant, so if you don't want to be offended, don't read.






There are some things that have been bugging me lately. Here goes:


     I've spent a lot of time talking with certain mamas from my agency who are in the ET program, as well as a close friend who is working with another agency. These ladies (you know who you are! :)) are so supportive and amazing. They are the only ones who really understand. There are many people who empathize, but these girls can RELATE. They understand the process, the torturous waiting, the agony of people not understanding and making rude comments, and the uncertainty and fear. I can go to them anytime and cry over email (or for a very few, their shoulders!) and I know they will UNDERSTAND. I think that is one of the toughest parts of the adoption. How little people understand and how little they try to. That's right, I said it. Me and my girls have spent the last few days discussing this. Lots of people who don't understand what or why we are doing this are still supportive. Soooooo many people care about us and have helped us and are excitedly waiting with us. But many people are not. Many people, including some family members, do not care and are not excited. Very few have actually congratulated us and many expressed concerns. If I was pregnant, you would say congratualtions. You wouldn't tell me that stats of mothers who miscarry or the percentages that my child will have Down Syndrome or some other issue. That's just not what you say when people announce, "I'm pregnant!" But when we announce we are adopting..........






.....................................*crickets chirp*..................................






...........and then come the horror stories and terrible statistics and reminders of all things terrible. We aren't stupid. We have done our research. We know that these children are possibly traumatized and many have been abandoned. We know this is a big step of faith and will completely change our lives. And yes, we know that our children will be black.


     I'm also tired of hearing that I should wait to have kids, or have "my own" (DON'T. EVER. SAY. THAT. TO. ME. AGAIN. Any child that comes under my roof will be "my own". The term is "biological. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but if I have already gently corrected you and you keep saying something hurtful like that......) hearing child first. Because a hearing kid can help me take care of the deaf kid in a few years. Sure, that's really logical (sarcasm). Why can't the deaf kid help me take care of a hearing kid? And what if I was pregnant with a deaf baby? What would you say then? (I'm going to stop ranting about that specific comment now, before I blow up and disintegrate.)


     I'm expecting a child, maybe two. MY FIRST KIDS. But I am not expecting a baby shower. I'm not expecting people to bring me meals. That's okay, because I don't like parties where I am the reason the party is being hosted. But at the same time, I am noticing how "not special" people think adopting is. Mothers who give birth get people bringing meals on a rotating basis, and gifts and well wishes. For me and my close adoptive friends, that doesn't seem to be the case. This is NOT a plea for a party, it's just my observations.


     I'm also tired of being asked and criticized as to why we aren't adopting from America. Well I'll tell you why. American kids, no matter who or where they are, will get some kind of home. Some kind of education. And American deaf kids are fairly well taken care of, as a general rule. Very few are up for adoption domestically. Internationally, kids are dying every day from lack of FOOD AND WATER. And (especially deaf kids), they often do not receive any kind of education. And if any of them ARE adopted, it is typically not the deaf kids. So in a nutshell, that is why we are adopting internationally. Plus, we live in the largest area of deaf per capita in the US, have all the resources and schools and community, and Abe and I both sign. That's why we want deaf kids. We have the unique opportunity to provide them with a home, a culture, and a deaf community. Need I say more?


     One last comment and then I am done. I think it is interesting that some people criticize me and other mamas for fundraising. Mind you, I've done two fundraisers in two years. But people get snippy when you ask for donations. Which is unbelievable to me. I'm not asking for your life savings. I'm asking for even $5 to help us out. $5 is a coffee or a snack. If you can't or don't feel called to adopt, then don't. But as a Christian, I believe it is your duty to support those who DO and I found a great blog that sums it up really well. If we are Christ followers and don't like that there are orphans, then we need to help them. This doesn't mean that EVERY person needs to give $$$ towards an adoption. But it DOES mean that they should not be offended when asked to participate in a fundraiser or to donate. It's so strange; the people who have been the most supportive to us in this process are our college friends, who have nothing, and still give us money. And people we don't know who are touched by our adoption story. And yes, many friends have helped and participated in our fundraisers which has been amazing and I love the support. This article isn't for you. This is for the people who have emailed or called me to chew me out and tell me to stop being selfish and asking for money because they didn't get any money to bring home their biological children from the hospital. Well good for you. You made a decision to MAKE that child. You aren't going overseas to get an abandoned older child who has no language or education, and who has been through more trauma in a few months than you can ever imagine. This is a child who probably isn't getting a home otherwise. And wouldn't you do anything for your kids? Well so would I.


Here is the link to the blog that so graciously explains why Christians should support adoption and adoption fundraising:


 http://partakersofgraceblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-fundraise.html





On the flip side of all my ranting,we have many friends and family members who have been AMAZING to us and have helped and supported us a lot. I can't thank these people enough. So many people have donated money, time, and energy in this process with us and I am so thankful for you. You mean so much to Abe and me and we can't wait to introduce you to our kids!!!! <3